Today Jo and I were having coffee at the Bean Counter. We were sitting at one of the tables outsides, minding our own business, when a lady came up to our table and said, "Are you Jo?" Jo said yes a little bit hesitantly. I turned around to see who was speaking, and the lady must have recognized me too, because right away she said, "You guys are awesome! I think what you're doing is amazing," and other stuff like that about the GSA and our work.
It was really awesome. Little things like that make the work we are doing and the media storm drama worthwhile :)
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Things NOT to Ask a Gay Person
The video isn't graphic but maybe don't watch it if you don't like hearing words like "dick" or "penis".
I'm just going to add on a couple of questions I have been asked or things I have been told regarding me being a lesbian that are either amusing or piss me off:
1. Are you gay because you can't get a boyfriend?
No. I'm pretty confident that if I wanted a boyfriend, I could find one. I have dated guys in the past. It has nothing to do with me deciding women are more "available", especially in this town (How many out gay girls are there, really? And I think I've only met one other full lesbian). I'm just not attracted to guys, thanks.
2. So if you like girls, does that mean you want to be a boy?
No. I like being a girl, thanks, and I also like being a girl who likes girls. I have never in my life seriously thought "I wish I was a boy". There is a difference between sexuality and gender identity.
3. So you're a lesbian? I could change that.
Ahahahahaha no you can't. Don't bother.
4. You and (insert name here) should like, dyke out in front of me.
No joke, last weekend at a party, some drunk guy started hitting on me and upon learning that I'm a lesbian, requested that I "dyke out" with his "dyke friend" in front of him. I'm not gay for the entertainment of straight men, and I'm sure there are plenty of drunk straight girls who will make out in front of you because you think it's hot, kthx :)
5. How can you be gay, I remember you having boyfriends...?
It's called denial. There are plenty of gay individuals who date the opposite gender before realizing it's just not gonna work, even gay people who go on to get married and have kids before realizing it.
6. You can't know you're a lesbian for sure because you haven't experimented enough yet, you're too young.
a) How do you know I haven't experimented? Since when are the details of a person's sex life etched on our faces? It's none of your business what I have and haven't done in order to come to the obvious conclusion that I'm gay.
b) Do I have to sleep with a guy to be sure? I mean really, do you have to sleep with a member of the same sex to be sure you're straight? I don't think so.
7. So do you think I'm attractive? Do you have a crush on me?
Rule #1 that I live by: don't chase straight girls. There's a little thing called gaydar that lets me know when it is and isn't safe to crush on a girl. If you're straight then chances are I haven't looked twice at you. Also, I am not attracted to every girl on the planet, the same way you are not attracted to every guy on the planet. So please don't flatter yourself.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
The Week Comes To An End
I'll just start off by saying sorry Sam, for stealing your picture, I hope it's all good. I would have asked first but it's 12:43 a.m. so, y'know.
Well folks, that's all for now - Gender Bending Day started with our school principal going on the PA system and telling the teachers to relax on the dress code a bit for the day. Dear Media, I love you! This NEVER would have happened if Jo and Sara and I had not contacted the media and done all those interviews, raising awareness of the injustice we were handed by the school district on a national (maybe even an international) level. Once again, I do not regret any of the decisions we made because in the end they had a mostly positive impact - no students were discriminated against for crossdressing today.
And indeed, lots did dress up. I'm hoping to see more pictures posted on Facebook over the weekend. My thanks goes out to everybody who dressed up or showed support and respect to those who dressed up.
We might have lost this one to the school district, but it's only round one. Next year, we know exactly how to do things differently so that our week can go ahead as we originally intended it to. The school district also knows that certain GSA members will fight til the bitter end and are not afraid to kick up a fuss. The most important thing is we managed to start countless conversations about the issue of homophobia in our community, which is something rather new to Williams Lake. I think that is a huge victory in itself and we are definitely overshadowing the school district right now.
That being said, it's not like I hate the school district - I mean, sure, it's far from perfect and they kind of piss me off at times, but they're just trying to do their job, which is to keep parents happy. Parents have more power over schools than anybody else, because if they don't like something about a school they can just pull their kids out and take them somewhere else. If this happens enough times, that equals bad news for said school. I understand where people were coming from on the other side of the fence - I do not agree by any stretch, but I understand. Understanding of all parties' perspectives is the first step towards change.
Now it's almost 1 a.m. and I could reeeeally go for some vegan root soup from BoHo Grove. They should consider becoming a 24-hour establishment, you know. I guess I'm going to have to settle for whatever dinner leftovers are in my fridge, though...or just, you know, go to bed like normal people. Hm.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Coming Out
I want to talk about how I came out. I originally typed "when", but it was a very long process that started when I was about 14. I'm finally at the point where I am completely and totally open about my sexuality and could care less what people think.
My earliest memory to do with anything gay is when I was about three or four. I was playing Barbies with a cousin who was a bit older than I was, maybe six or seven. Anyway, we wanted to put on a wedding, so I dressed up my two favourite (female) dolls in wedding dresses and attempted to walk them down the aisle. I did this all the time, so I was bewildered when my cousin began throwing a fit; "Girls can't get married! That doesn't happen! Only boys and girls can get married! Go get your Ken doll!" I didn't understand. I remember thinking that being married to a girl would be a lot more fun than being married to a boy, because girls are pretty and boys are hairy (oh the logic of a little girl, eh?).
I think it first occurred to me that I might actually be gay when I was 11. All of my friends had crushes on boys, but I didn't - boys were just kind of, well, gross, you know? I've always been a little bit beyond my years, so I knew that all girls went through "boys are gross" phases, but it didn't feel like a phase. I had never actually thought about a boy in a "crush" way. That's why I staged an intense crush on a boy in my class (Quentin, if you ever read this - I'm sorry!). Now, you might be thinking that because I never had crushes on boys, I had crushes on girls, but I didn't. It's not that I thought being gay was wrong, it just scared me that maybe I was gay myself, so I refused to look at anybody in "that way". I did, however, feel way more comfortable around girls, for sure.
High school started, and a lot of girls around me were starting to get boyfriends. Not many of my close friends had them, but for me, dating was a way to show to everybody that I was most definitely a boy-crazy, heterosexual teenage girl. There was one guy who I "dated" for a week when I was 13 (hardly counts) and then there was my boyfriend when I was 14 who I dated for a little over two months. We were best friends before we started dating, so going out just seemed like the right thing to do, because he had a crush on me and everybody around us just expected we'd get together sooner or later. I really loved him to death, but something in me knew that I wasn't in love with him. He actually felt more like a brother than anything and it felt weird as fuck to kiss him. I knew that the way he looked at me was not the same as the way I looked at him. I finally broke up with him because it was just getting way, way too weird.
There were a couple other "crushes" and "flings" here and there, nothing serious or really worth mentioning. Pretty much from the time I started high school, though, I was depressed. It's just in my nature to be anxious and worried all the time, but this was something new - I actually hated myself. I felt like there was something wrong with me because I just couldn't connect with guys the same way all the other girls around me seemed to. I couldn't kiss a guy without being totally grossed out. I kept expecting things to get better but they never did. That's when I started entertaining those old thoughts; maybe I'm gay. This was terrifying to me, because there had been one gay boy I was aware of at school and everybody teased him and talked shit behind his back. I didn't want to be in his shoes. I didn't want to be "that lesbian". I started to think maybe things would be okay if I came out as bisexual, because then I would at least be half normal.
My first real crush on a girl happened in English 9. Ooh boy, I was a mess. It was the first time I had ever been attracted to somebody, the first time I had ever been absolutely and totally captivated and amazed. I would get butterflies before class. I loved talking to her, I couldn't get enough of her. (Just a side note, to any girls reading this who were in my English 9 class who may be thinking "Oh God Lexi had a crush on me?!", it isn't you. The girl I'm talking about knows who she is because I told her later on). That's when I really started getting freaked out, because now I was totally certain I liked girls.
Through all these years of confusion and self-hatred, I did not speak to anybody about how I was feeling. Everyone around me could tell something wasn't right, but nobody guessed what it actually was (as far as I know). If I could go back and do things over again, I would have talked to Tara about it, because Tara has always been like a sister to me. I wish somebody would have been there for me because I was so indescribably scared.
Another internal crisis was my religious beliefs. I wasn't raised a Christian, per se, but I'd say my parents did instill typical Christian morals in me, with a bit of a Liberal spin. I knew right and wrong and how to be a good person, but I was never conservative or traditional by any stretch (I've always been a bit of a hippy to be honest). I found God on my own and went to church a bit with my step mum. I have always been pretty set in my beliefs. My mum always told me that we should love everybody regardless of their race, gender or sexuality and I firmly believed that, still do, but I was worried about what she would think if she knew her own daughter was gay, you know? And my dad always loved to make fun of "flaming homosexuals", talking about how much their "act" bothered him. That always pissed me off a lot but I never said anything. Another thing that just confirmed my fears about how both my family and fellow Christians would view me was the radio show Focus on the Family. Ah, gotta love Dr. Jame Dobson. I was never big into church, so a daily confirmation of my faith was their 10 p.m. radio show. I loved it, I loved Dr. Dobson, I loved the stories he told. But one show in particular shook my foundation entirely; there was a special guest talking about how he used to be gay but had been "cured" and now he had a wife and kids. Dr. Dobson talked about all these "treatment centres" they have in the States, all the ways God can "cure the homosexuals". I was about 12 when I listened to this broadcast, and I had never heard of such things in my life. I started wondering if all these thoughts and feelings inside of me were really truly sinful, if I was sick. If I told people, would they send me to one of these "treatment centres"? This was a fear I always had in the back of my mind. I loved God, I loved my faith, but I didn't think other Christians would love me if they knew I was gay.
I moved to Rocky Mountain House the summer I was 15. I had a couple of gay or bisexual internet friends, so I was starting to get more comfortable with my own sexuality, but not enough to come out. What actually changed everything was a bit of a combination of my friend Patrick, who was openly gay and damn proud, and the book Geography Club by Brent Hartinger. I didn't actually have any friends in RMH, so I spent all my time in the school's huge library, where the librarians knew me by name. I picked up that book one day in October and read the entire thing in one day. After I turned the last page, I just knew; I was gay, gay gay gay, so so so so so gay and why the fuck was I still denying it? Was I dumb? Maybe everybody else knew, maybe my appearance just screamed "LESBIAN!". I wasn't scared that afternoon, surprisingly; I was actually in an extremely humorous mood, because I found it so hilarious that there I was, still denying my true sexuality, when everybody else around me probably knew it already. (I am forever convinced people guess my sexuality just by looking at my shoes, because my shoes never match my outfit and there's that stereotype that lesbians don't know anything about fashion, so obviously my mismatched shoes broadcast my gayness to the entire universe).
I got home from school and immediately called Patrick. We skipped our usual smalltalk and I launched straight into it -
"Patrick, I'm bisexual."
His reaction? "Yeah. I know."
Patrick lives in Connecticut. I have never met Patrick in person, but we have been internet friends for about three and a half years. At that point it was only about one year, though, so...it was THAT obvious, even though we were a continent apart? Gaydar is an amazing thing is all I can say.
Anyway, Patrick told me to tell my parents. I didn't think my mum would have a huge issue with it, so I decided to call her first (I was living with my dad at the time, she was still in BC). The conversation was basically like this:
"I have something to tell you."
"What, do you have a boyfriendddd?"
"Uh, no..."
"A girlfriend?" she was laughing.
"...would it be so bad if I did?"
She sighed and said, "I guess not. Do you?"
"No. But I'm bi."
"Okay."
She didn't seem to care, but I'm pretty sure she thought it was just a phase.
Next, I told my best friends at the time, Tara and Cherise. They were hanging out together and on MSN, so that's how I told them. I was terrified of losing my best friends, because we'd never discussed anything about homosexuality before so I didn't know how they'd take it. They seemed fine with it. Over the years, Tara has been a source of undying support for me, but Cherise and I drifted apart and our friendship hasn't been the same since, unfortunately.
The way my dad found out was bad. My dad denies it but I have always gotten a slightly homophobic vibe from him, so I didn't say anything until almost a full month after I'd told my mum. Him, my step mum, my brother and I had gone to Calgary for supper. On the way back, as is commonplace in our family, we got into a heated argument about politics, religion, morals, etc. I'm definitely my father's daughter in the sense that he always has to be right and will fight til the bitter end in order to be right - I'm the same way, so when we argue, it never ends. I can't remember exactly how we got on the subject (obviously it was something gay), but I was finally so frustrated that I screamed "I'M BI!"
Dead. Silence. All. The. Way. Home.
After about a week of not looking at me or saying much of anything to me, he said, "So that's why you dress the way you do."
This was during my "emo" phase, since I hated myself and the world and all that. I wasn't dressing in an exactly feminine fashion, so that stung a lot; basically he was telling me I looked butch. I know my dad loves me, but I don't think he has ever come to terms with the fact that he has a gay daughter. He either avoids the topic or says rude, hurtful things about it.
I was still too freaked out to really tell anybody else - notice that I came out as bi? I'm not bi, I'm really not. The reason I told people that is because I figured they would accept me because at least I could maybe end up with a guy and be "normal". One of my last desperate attempts to be straight was the guy I had a thing with the winter I was fifteen, and that guy was such a supreme royal dick that he probably just made me even more gay (I won't go into detail but I'm sure you can detect my bitterness). After that, I knew I had to stop kidding myself and saying I was bi. I had only told my parents, my brother, a couple internet friends and then Cherise & Tara.
The summer I was sixteen is when I finally quit bothering with guys, and that's where a certain girl came into the picture. It's kind of cliche to fall in love the summer you turn sixteen, but, well, that's what happened. I'd never felt so free and real before. This felt genuine and right.
There was still a hard road ahead, though. That certain girl? We have been hiding our relationship for almost two years now, because even though I'm finally ready to be out as a couple, she isn't. You might think that by the time I was willing to accept the fact that I'm a lesbian, I would have just started telling people, right? Wrong. I moved back to Williams Lake, which is definitely not the most accepting place on the planet, and I was terrified about what people would do or say, so I told barely anybody. My close friends knew and that was it. As with anything in a small town, however, people started hearing rumours about my girlfriend and I, so I knew my time was limited. That's kind of how Dylan came in to the picture - people always want to know how Dylan fits into this. My girlfriend and I were broken up at that point, and Dylan came into my life as somebody new and exciting. He liked me and I sort of had a crush on him, my first actual crush on a guy, so I thought maybe it'd work, you know? Yeah, no, it didn't. I'm too gay (I'd just like to say though that I love Dylan to death, he is such a sweet guy and understood completely where I was coming from when I had to break up with him and we're still friends. Whoever ends up with him is a lucky girl). I ended up back with my girlfriend fairly shortly, and my last sexual identity crisis came to an end.
Basically, I came to this conclusion: I'm pretty gay but not 100% gay. There's this thing called the Kinsey Scale, and I think I'm about a 5. The theory is that people are rarely totally straight or totally gay or equally 50/50, but rather they can fall somewhere along a spectrum. I can't connect emotionally or romantically with guys, and I have never been genuinely physically attracted to a guy (naked boys are gross. Just sayin'), but who am I to say that I won't find a really great guy who can, you know, understand the female mind perfectly and isn't hairy? I can't say I'm bi though because that gives the impression that I go both ways and I soooo don't. I prefer girls in every possible way. I understand them and am attracted to them. I'm like...98% gay. I identify as a lesbian because it's easier than saying "Yeah, I'm about a 5 on the Kinsey Scale." I just, don't even bother with guys, because there's nothing real there. Everything feels real with girls, but with guys, it feels like I'm just trying to make my family happy. Does that make sense?
I went to Challenge Day in the fall and it changed my life. There's this exercise where there is a line drawn in the middle of the room and a lady was reading off statements. If what was said applied to you, you stepped across the line. "Step across the line if you or someone you know is gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered." With hesitance, I stepped across the line and immediately started crying my eyes out. We then got into little groups of five or six people, kids and adults, and went around the circle, each sharing something personal. For the first time in front of a group of strangers, I said the words "I'm gay." I knew there was no going back from that; they were strangers and they could tell anybody in the world. I was now officially out and I didn't care what people thought anymore.
Eventually, on Facebook, I changed my "Interested In" to "women". Then there was Get Loud, when I came out in front of 200 people; so, yeah, you could say I'm pretty out now. Everybody knows. Surprisingly people have been more accepting than I anticipated, and I'm not "that lesbian", I'm still Lexi. I've gained a lot of support, and for the people who say negative things either behind my back or yell it at me in the halls at school - fuck 'em, right? I am who I am and I'm damn proud. I don't care anymore what people think because I refuse to keep my life behind closed doors. If people ask, I'll be honest. I'll even flaunt it a bit with my pride bracelet.
I'm 100% out now and 100% cool with who I am. What I'm not cool with, though, is the attitude so many people both here in Williams Lake and in the rest of the world have towards LGBT people - that is something I am dedicated to changing.
Hate is easy, love takes courage; and love is nothing anybody should ever be ashamed of.
My earliest memory to do with anything gay is when I was about three or four. I was playing Barbies with a cousin who was a bit older than I was, maybe six or seven. Anyway, we wanted to put on a wedding, so I dressed up my two favourite (female) dolls in wedding dresses and attempted to walk them down the aisle. I did this all the time, so I was bewildered when my cousin began throwing a fit; "Girls can't get married! That doesn't happen! Only boys and girls can get married! Go get your Ken doll!" I didn't understand. I remember thinking that being married to a girl would be a lot more fun than being married to a boy, because girls are pretty and boys are hairy (oh the logic of a little girl, eh?).
I think it first occurred to me that I might actually be gay when I was 11. All of my friends had crushes on boys, but I didn't - boys were just kind of, well, gross, you know? I've always been a little bit beyond my years, so I knew that all girls went through "boys are gross" phases, but it didn't feel like a phase. I had never actually thought about a boy in a "crush" way. That's why I staged an intense crush on a boy in my class (Quentin, if you ever read this - I'm sorry!). Now, you might be thinking that because I never had crushes on boys, I had crushes on girls, but I didn't. It's not that I thought being gay was wrong, it just scared me that maybe I was gay myself, so I refused to look at anybody in "that way". I did, however, feel way more comfortable around girls, for sure.
High school started, and a lot of girls around me were starting to get boyfriends. Not many of my close friends had them, but for me, dating was a way to show to everybody that I was most definitely a boy-crazy, heterosexual teenage girl. There was one guy who I "dated" for a week when I was 13 (hardly counts) and then there was my boyfriend when I was 14 who I dated for a little over two months. We were best friends before we started dating, so going out just seemed like the right thing to do, because he had a crush on me and everybody around us just expected we'd get together sooner or later. I really loved him to death, but something in me knew that I wasn't in love with him. He actually felt more like a brother than anything and it felt weird as fuck to kiss him. I knew that the way he looked at me was not the same as the way I looked at him. I finally broke up with him because it was just getting way, way too weird.
There were a couple other "crushes" and "flings" here and there, nothing serious or really worth mentioning. Pretty much from the time I started high school, though, I was depressed. It's just in my nature to be anxious and worried all the time, but this was something new - I actually hated myself. I felt like there was something wrong with me because I just couldn't connect with guys the same way all the other girls around me seemed to. I couldn't kiss a guy without being totally grossed out. I kept expecting things to get better but they never did. That's when I started entertaining those old thoughts; maybe I'm gay. This was terrifying to me, because there had been one gay boy I was aware of at school and everybody teased him and talked shit behind his back. I didn't want to be in his shoes. I didn't want to be "that lesbian". I started to think maybe things would be okay if I came out as bisexual, because then I would at least be half normal.
My first real crush on a girl happened in English 9. Ooh boy, I was a mess. It was the first time I had ever been attracted to somebody, the first time I had ever been absolutely and totally captivated and amazed. I would get butterflies before class. I loved talking to her, I couldn't get enough of her. (Just a side note, to any girls reading this who were in my English 9 class who may be thinking "Oh God Lexi had a crush on me?!", it isn't you. The girl I'm talking about knows who she is because I told her later on). That's when I really started getting freaked out, because now I was totally certain I liked girls.
Through all these years of confusion and self-hatred, I did not speak to anybody about how I was feeling. Everyone around me could tell something wasn't right, but nobody guessed what it actually was (as far as I know). If I could go back and do things over again, I would have talked to Tara about it, because Tara has always been like a sister to me. I wish somebody would have been there for me because I was so indescribably scared.
Another internal crisis was my religious beliefs. I wasn't raised a Christian, per se, but I'd say my parents did instill typical Christian morals in me, with a bit of a Liberal spin. I knew right and wrong and how to be a good person, but I was never conservative or traditional by any stretch (I've always been a bit of a hippy to be honest). I found God on my own and went to church a bit with my step mum. I have always been pretty set in my beliefs. My mum always told me that we should love everybody regardless of their race, gender or sexuality and I firmly believed that, still do, but I was worried about what she would think if she knew her own daughter was gay, you know? And my dad always loved to make fun of "flaming homosexuals", talking about how much their "act" bothered him. That always pissed me off a lot but I never said anything. Another thing that just confirmed my fears about how both my family and fellow Christians would view me was the radio show Focus on the Family. Ah, gotta love Dr. Jame Dobson. I was never big into church, so a daily confirmation of my faith was their 10 p.m. radio show. I loved it, I loved Dr. Dobson, I loved the stories he told. But one show in particular shook my foundation entirely; there was a special guest talking about how he used to be gay but had been "cured" and now he had a wife and kids. Dr. Dobson talked about all these "treatment centres" they have in the States, all the ways God can "cure the homosexuals". I was about 12 when I listened to this broadcast, and I had never heard of such things in my life. I started wondering if all these thoughts and feelings inside of me were really truly sinful, if I was sick. If I told people, would they send me to one of these "treatment centres"? This was a fear I always had in the back of my mind. I loved God, I loved my faith, but I didn't think other Christians would love me if they knew I was gay.
I moved to Rocky Mountain House the summer I was 15. I had a couple of gay or bisexual internet friends, so I was starting to get more comfortable with my own sexuality, but not enough to come out. What actually changed everything was a bit of a combination of my friend Patrick, who was openly gay and damn proud, and the book Geography Club by Brent Hartinger. I didn't actually have any friends in RMH, so I spent all my time in the school's huge library, where the librarians knew me by name. I picked up that book one day in October and read the entire thing in one day. After I turned the last page, I just knew; I was gay, gay gay gay, so so so so so gay and why the fuck was I still denying it? Was I dumb? Maybe everybody else knew, maybe my appearance just screamed "LESBIAN!". I wasn't scared that afternoon, surprisingly; I was actually in an extremely humorous mood, because I found it so hilarious that there I was, still denying my true sexuality, when everybody else around me probably knew it already. (I am forever convinced people guess my sexuality just by looking at my shoes, because my shoes never match my outfit and there's that stereotype that lesbians don't know anything about fashion, so obviously my mismatched shoes broadcast my gayness to the entire universe).
I got home from school and immediately called Patrick. We skipped our usual smalltalk and I launched straight into it -
"Patrick, I'm bisexual."
His reaction? "Yeah. I know."
Patrick lives in Connecticut. I have never met Patrick in person, but we have been internet friends for about three and a half years. At that point it was only about one year, though, so...it was THAT obvious, even though we were a continent apart? Gaydar is an amazing thing is all I can say.
Anyway, Patrick told me to tell my parents. I didn't think my mum would have a huge issue with it, so I decided to call her first (I was living with my dad at the time, she was still in BC). The conversation was basically like this:
"I have something to tell you."
"What, do you have a boyfriendddd?"
"Uh, no..."
"A girlfriend?" she was laughing.
"...would it be so bad if I did?"
She sighed and said, "I guess not. Do you?"
"No. But I'm bi."
"Okay."
She didn't seem to care, but I'm pretty sure she thought it was just a phase.
Next, I told my best friends at the time, Tara and Cherise. They were hanging out together and on MSN, so that's how I told them. I was terrified of losing my best friends, because we'd never discussed anything about homosexuality before so I didn't know how they'd take it. They seemed fine with it. Over the years, Tara has been a source of undying support for me, but Cherise and I drifted apart and our friendship hasn't been the same since, unfortunately.
The way my dad found out was bad. My dad denies it but I have always gotten a slightly homophobic vibe from him, so I didn't say anything until almost a full month after I'd told my mum. Him, my step mum, my brother and I had gone to Calgary for supper. On the way back, as is commonplace in our family, we got into a heated argument about politics, religion, morals, etc. I'm definitely my father's daughter in the sense that he always has to be right and will fight til the bitter end in order to be right - I'm the same way, so when we argue, it never ends. I can't remember exactly how we got on the subject (obviously it was something gay), but I was finally so frustrated that I screamed "I'M BI!"
Dead. Silence. All. The. Way. Home.
After about a week of not looking at me or saying much of anything to me, he said, "So that's why you dress the way you do."
This was during my "emo" phase, since I hated myself and the world and all that. I wasn't dressing in an exactly feminine fashion, so that stung a lot; basically he was telling me I looked butch. I know my dad loves me, but I don't think he has ever come to terms with the fact that he has a gay daughter. He either avoids the topic or says rude, hurtful things about it.
I was still too freaked out to really tell anybody else - notice that I came out as bi? I'm not bi, I'm really not. The reason I told people that is because I figured they would accept me because at least I could maybe end up with a guy and be "normal". One of my last desperate attempts to be straight was the guy I had a thing with the winter I was fifteen, and that guy was such a supreme royal dick that he probably just made me even more gay (I won't go into detail but I'm sure you can detect my bitterness). After that, I knew I had to stop kidding myself and saying I was bi. I had only told my parents, my brother, a couple internet friends and then Cherise & Tara.
The summer I was sixteen is when I finally quit bothering with guys, and that's where a certain girl came into the picture. It's kind of cliche to fall in love the summer you turn sixteen, but, well, that's what happened. I'd never felt so free and real before. This felt genuine and right.
There was still a hard road ahead, though. That certain girl? We have been hiding our relationship for almost two years now, because even though I'm finally ready to be out as a couple, she isn't. You might think that by the time I was willing to accept the fact that I'm a lesbian, I would have just started telling people, right? Wrong. I moved back to Williams Lake, which is definitely not the most accepting place on the planet, and I was terrified about what people would do or say, so I told barely anybody. My close friends knew and that was it. As with anything in a small town, however, people started hearing rumours about my girlfriend and I, so I knew my time was limited. That's kind of how Dylan came in to the picture - people always want to know how Dylan fits into this. My girlfriend and I were broken up at that point, and Dylan came into my life as somebody new and exciting. He liked me and I sort of had a crush on him, my first actual crush on a guy, so I thought maybe it'd work, you know? Yeah, no, it didn't. I'm too gay (I'd just like to say though that I love Dylan to death, he is such a sweet guy and understood completely where I was coming from when I had to break up with him and we're still friends. Whoever ends up with him is a lucky girl). I ended up back with my girlfriend fairly shortly, and my last sexual identity crisis came to an end.
Basically, I came to this conclusion: I'm pretty gay but not 100% gay. There's this thing called the Kinsey Scale, and I think I'm about a 5. The theory is that people are rarely totally straight or totally gay or equally 50/50, but rather they can fall somewhere along a spectrum. I can't connect emotionally or romantically with guys, and I have never been genuinely physically attracted to a guy (naked boys are gross. Just sayin'), but who am I to say that I won't find a really great guy who can, you know, understand the female mind perfectly and isn't hairy? I can't say I'm bi though because that gives the impression that I go both ways and I soooo don't. I prefer girls in every possible way. I understand them and am attracted to them. I'm like...98% gay. I identify as a lesbian because it's easier than saying "Yeah, I'm about a 5 on the Kinsey Scale." I just, don't even bother with guys, because there's nothing real there. Everything feels real with girls, but with guys, it feels like I'm just trying to make my family happy. Does that make sense?
I went to Challenge Day in the fall and it changed my life. There's this exercise where there is a line drawn in the middle of the room and a lady was reading off statements. If what was said applied to you, you stepped across the line. "Step across the line if you or someone you know is gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered." With hesitance, I stepped across the line and immediately started crying my eyes out. We then got into little groups of five or six people, kids and adults, and went around the circle, each sharing something personal. For the first time in front of a group of strangers, I said the words "I'm gay." I knew there was no going back from that; they were strangers and they could tell anybody in the world. I was now officially out and I didn't care what people thought anymore.
Eventually, on Facebook, I changed my "Interested In" to "women". Then there was Get Loud, when I came out in front of 200 people; so, yeah, you could say I'm pretty out now. Everybody knows. Surprisingly people have been more accepting than I anticipated, and I'm not "that lesbian", I'm still Lexi. I've gained a lot of support, and for the people who say negative things either behind my back or yell it at me in the halls at school - fuck 'em, right? I am who I am and I'm damn proud. I don't care anymore what people think because I refuse to keep my life behind closed doors. If people ask, I'll be honest. I'll even flaunt it a bit with my pride bracelet.
I'm 100% out now and 100% cool with who I am. What I'm not cool with, though, is the attitude so many people both here in Williams Lake and in the rest of the world have towards LGBT people - that is something I am dedicated to changing.
Hate is easy, love takes courage; and love is nothing anybody should ever be ashamed of.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Love Is Going To Save Us
I wanted to reminisce in Get Loud!. And talk about what my English class thinks about all of this cafuffle with the past week.
Get Loud...I remember being nervous. I don't do public speaking, I really don't. I get nervous, and scared, but the group told me I was voluntold to do it, so I had no choice. I did it. And I guess I did it well. I remember stepping up on that stage to do introductions, the very first person to speak into that microphone because I was EmCee. I had to introduce myself and say who I was and what Get Loud! was about. And I did. I was scared. I was shaking, but I wasn't terrified. I wasn't quivering like I am known to do when giving speeches. After a point, somewhere in my beginning speech (I think around 'let me put emphasis on straight'), I got more relaxed and controlled.
I think I became a natural at it. It was easy, again, after a point. I remember rushing around back stage at some points, because I couldn't find the list for the thank yous. I remember Jeremiah coming and asking what I was looking for, and just his presence kind of calmed me down, like I wasn't about to do it alone.
I remember, out of the whole night, three of the performers the best. Of course, I remember the whole night like it was yesterday, but three stood out to me.
Nathan friggin' Mortimer. He was one of my favorite acts, and I remember stepping out onto that stage and introducing him and taking the mic from him and thanking him and getting hugs from him, and how nice his presence was that whole night. How calming it was, really. Like his whole energy told me it would be okay. I know I seemed pretty calm and collected, but on the inside I wasn't. I was just as nervous as any of the GSA, I think. But Nathan helped that. Especially when he played.
I remember Lexi's speech, sitting there and then seeing tears, and how I knew I had to get up and go to her and help her because she was crying. And I couldn't let her cry in front of 200 strangers, all alone. I myself knew how horrible it would be to be in her spot, so I went up there and I waved Megan and Tara out and we stood there, supporting. And calming down the crowd, after the applause. It was beautiful. Really.
And then Katrina's song. Oh my gosh. I have never ever heard a rendition of Hallelujah that I had loved so much. I remember standing back stage gasping because her voice was so beautiful.
Now the week. This Anti-Homophobia week drama that has been going on. I can't believe how far we've gone, I can't. I've noticed such a difference in the school atmosphere now. So many people are a lot more supportive, vocally and just with smiles and 'you did well'. It's nice, knowing that we have a lot more people behind us, and parents, and people all over the country standing behind us covering our backs.
Of course, there had to be a stop put to the media. Even if part of me didn't want too because it was nice, at the same time, I knew it had to end. I did just as much as students, staff, parents and our group. Even if my fight with Lexi wasn't the greatest, I think it was worth it. Someone had to say something, and I knew it should be me. I had contacted Global and CBC(not expecting BOTH to follow up, of course).
So now, here we are. The night before Gender Bender Day(I love that poster so much). And we're ready to see what happens tomorrow.
Through the week, I've been ranting to Mrs. Force about the school board and our administration. Rick has tried to calm me when I go on a tangent, and slowly, I calm down right before I get to the peak of my frustration. The more I talk about it, the angrier I get all over again. I still can't believe that our admin said 'yeah, you can be late for class, you're supporting students'. even though there was 20 minutes left of that game. I think that is unfair. Cold. Horrible. I could continue on, but I'm getting angry again.
Now I'm getting sick. I'm prepared to fight the little virus in my body just as I was to fight the school board and admin. I think I should take up bare knuckle boxing, or getting a punching bag. The guys in my English class, as the GSA, think I need a punching bag. I'm so angry. But I can be so calm and collected all at the same time. Oh well.
Get Loud...I remember being nervous. I don't do public speaking, I really don't. I get nervous, and scared, but the group told me I was voluntold to do it, so I had no choice. I did it. And I guess I did it well. I remember stepping up on that stage to do introductions, the very first person to speak into that microphone because I was EmCee. I had to introduce myself and say who I was and what Get Loud! was about. And I did. I was scared. I was shaking, but I wasn't terrified. I wasn't quivering like I am known to do when giving speeches. After a point, somewhere in my beginning speech (I think around 'let me put emphasis on straight'), I got more relaxed and controlled.
I think I became a natural at it. It was easy, again, after a point. I remember rushing around back stage at some points, because I couldn't find the list for the thank yous. I remember Jeremiah coming and asking what I was looking for, and just his presence kind of calmed me down, like I wasn't about to do it alone.
I remember, out of the whole night, three of the performers the best. Of course, I remember the whole night like it was yesterday, but three stood out to me.
Nathan friggin' Mortimer. He was one of my favorite acts, and I remember stepping out onto that stage and introducing him and taking the mic from him and thanking him and getting hugs from him, and how nice his presence was that whole night. How calming it was, really. Like his whole energy told me it would be okay. I know I seemed pretty calm and collected, but on the inside I wasn't. I was just as nervous as any of the GSA, I think. But Nathan helped that. Especially when he played.
I remember Lexi's speech, sitting there and then seeing tears, and how I knew I had to get up and go to her and help her because she was crying. And I couldn't let her cry in front of 200 strangers, all alone. I myself knew how horrible it would be to be in her spot, so I went up there and I waved Megan and Tara out and we stood there, supporting. And calming down the crowd, after the applause. It was beautiful. Really.
And then Katrina's song. Oh my gosh. I have never ever heard a rendition of Hallelujah that I had loved so much. I remember standing back stage gasping because her voice was so beautiful.
Now the week. This Anti-Homophobia week drama that has been going on. I can't believe how far we've gone, I can't. I've noticed such a difference in the school atmosphere now. So many people are a lot more supportive, vocally and just with smiles and 'you did well'. It's nice, knowing that we have a lot more people behind us, and parents, and people all over the country standing behind us covering our backs.
Of course, there had to be a stop put to the media. Even if part of me didn't want too because it was nice, at the same time, I knew it had to end. I did just as much as students, staff, parents and our group. Even if my fight with Lexi wasn't the greatest, I think it was worth it. Someone had to say something, and I knew it should be me. I had contacted Global and CBC(not expecting BOTH to follow up, of course).
So now, here we are. The night before Gender Bender Day(I love that poster so much). And we're ready to see what happens tomorrow.
Through the week, I've been ranting to Mrs. Force about the school board and our administration. Rick has tried to calm me when I go on a tangent, and slowly, I calm down right before I get to the peak of my frustration. The more I talk about it, the angrier I get all over again. I still can't believe that our admin said 'yeah, you can be late for class, you're supporting students'. even though there was 20 minutes left of that game. I think that is unfair. Cold. Horrible. I could continue on, but I'm getting angry again.
Now I'm getting sick. I'm prepared to fight the little virus in my body just as I was to fight the school board and admin. I think I should take up bare knuckle boxing, or getting a punching bag. The guys in my English class, as the GSA, think I need a punching bag. I'm so angry. But I can be so calm and collected all at the same time. Oh well.
Anti-Homophobia Week
Also known as The Nightmare Of The Century.
I'm kidding. But it was a bit of a nightmare. Let me just say this - when we started planning this, we had no idea how it would turn out. I don't think I have to explain things too much because I'm sure you have already heard about it, and if not, well - I'm going to post all the links to the various news articles and interviews about it in just a sec here.
May 17th was the International Day Against Homophobia. We decided we would host an Anti-Homophobia week at school. Monday would be educational assemblies for all grades, involving a video and then both Jo and myself talking about our experiences with homophobia, coming out, etc. Tuesday was Rainbow Day, where each grade was assigned a colour to wear to school. Wednesday was the Walk Away From Homophobia. Thursday was Free Hug and Face Painting Day. Friday was Gender Bending Day. (I will post Riley's kickass poster below)
Around the time we posted the event on Facebook, a girl named Pherris from WLSS decided to start a GSA branch at WLSS, finally.
After a presentation by Jo to the staff, we had 100% teacher support.
On Thursday May 13th, an emergency GSA meeting was called after school to discuss the fact that parents were beginning to complain and our activities were in jeopardy. On Friday May 14th, our sponsor teacher met with the administration and the school board and was informed our assemblies were to be canceled, our walk moved from class time to lunch hour, and our Gender Bending Day canceled. Any students who showed up to school wearing the opposite gender's clothing could be sent home, suspended and it could go on their permanent records. The reason we were given was the assemblies "promoted gayness" (because apparently gayness is a word) and the Gender Bending day was inappropriate. They did not want to give us class time for any of our activities.
We were livid, that day, absolutely livid. We wanted to promote education and acceptance of LGBT youth in our community - is that wrong somehow? I was so angry I didn't even know what to do with myself. Eventually I calmed down enough to call my dad, whose career surrounds public relations, so he is a pretty reliable source of advice for such a situation. He told me that I should call the local paper, so I did. Jo decided to call Global BC and CBC.
Aaaaaand that's when the media storm began.
Williams Lake Tribune article
Xtra.ca article
CBC article
The Province article
gayrights.change.org article
If you want more, go Google "Williams Lake anti-homophobia week" or "Jo Veitch" or "Lexi Saffel" and you'll come up with tons of stuff. Our phones have been ringing off the hook all week now.
The GSA as a group is extremely divided on the media attention. I would just like to say for something like the millionth time - Jo and I were not speaking on behalf of the entire GSA and everything said in those interviews reflected our own opinions. I know a lot of members think that the media attention has done more to hurt us than to help us. We did not discuss as a group whether or not we wanted to go to the media - these decisions were made by Jo and myself. Due to the opposition from the rest of the group, I have had to start declining and canceling interviews.
In my opinion, we did the right thing, because our story has now gained attention on a national level and hopefully has also inspired other GSAs across Canada to stand up for their rights. Indeed, the school district and administration went back on what they originally said about students being suspended for dressing up on Gender Bending Day, and I believe they would never have done that if the media hadn't been involved. I don't think the school district will give us as much trouble next year when we try to put on these events because they know there are individuals who will not just shut up and take what they give us - people are willing to fight them. There were both positive and, unfortunately, negative consequences to going to the media with our story, but what's done is done and we can't take it back now. I do not regret the decisions I made.
So, hopefully the stress and all the attention will die down here shortly and we can get back to normal. Because let me tell you, when you're on the phone with CBC Toronto and then the other line rings with the BC Province, you do not feel normal at all.
I'm kidding. But it was a bit of a nightmare. Let me just say this - when we started planning this, we had no idea how it would turn out. I don't think I have to explain things too much because I'm sure you have already heard about it, and if not, well - I'm going to post all the links to the various news articles and interviews about it in just a sec here.
May 17th was the International Day Against Homophobia. We decided we would host an Anti-Homophobia week at school. Monday would be educational assemblies for all grades, involving a video and then both Jo and myself talking about our experiences with homophobia, coming out, etc. Tuesday was Rainbow Day, where each grade was assigned a colour to wear to school. Wednesday was the Walk Away From Homophobia. Thursday was Free Hug and Face Painting Day. Friday was Gender Bending Day. (I will post Riley's kickass poster below)
Around the time we posted the event on Facebook, a girl named Pherris from WLSS decided to start a GSA branch at WLSS, finally.
After a presentation by Jo to the staff, we had 100% teacher support.
On Thursday May 13th, an emergency GSA meeting was called after school to discuss the fact that parents were beginning to complain and our activities were in jeopardy. On Friday May 14th, our sponsor teacher met with the administration and the school board and was informed our assemblies were to be canceled, our walk moved from class time to lunch hour, and our Gender Bending Day canceled. Any students who showed up to school wearing the opposite gender's clothing could be sent home, suspended and it could go on their permanent records. The reason we were given was the assemblies "promoted gayness" (because apparently gayness is a word) and the Gender Bending day was inappropriate. They did not want to give us class time for any of our activities.
We were livid, that day, absolutely livid. We wanted to promote education and acceptance of LGBT youth in our community - is that wrong somehow? I was so angry I didn't even know what to do with myself. Eventually I calmed down enough to call my dad, whose career surrounds public relations, so he is a pretty reliable source of advice for such a situation. He told me that I should call the local paper, so I did. Jo decided to call Global BC and CBC.
Aaaaaand that's when the media storm began.
Williams Lake Tribune article
Xtra.ca article
CBC article
The Province article
gayrights.change.org article
If you want more, go Google "Williams Lake anti-homophobia week" or "Jo Veitch" or "Lexi Saffel" and you'll come up with tons of stuff. Our phones have been ringing off the hook all week now.
The GSA as a group is extremely divided on the media attention. I would just like to say for something like the millionth time - Jo and I were not speaking on behalf of the entire GSA and everything said in those interviews reflected our own opinions. I know a lot of members think that the media attention has done more to hurt us than to help us. We did not discuss as a group whether or not we wanted to go to the media - these decisions were made by Jo and myself. Due to the opposition from the rest of the group, I have had to start declining and canceling interviews.
In my opinion, we did the right thing, because our story has now gained attention on a national level and hopefully has also inspired other GSAs across Canada to stand up for their rights. Indeed, the school district and administration went back on what they originally said about students being suspended for dressing up on Gender Bending Day, and I believe they would never have done that if the media hadn't been involved. I don't think the school district will give us as much trouble next year when we try to put on these events because they know there are individuals who will not just shut up and take what they give us - people are willing to fight them. There were both positive and, unfortunately, negative consequences to going to the media with our story, but what's done is done and we can't take it back now. I do not regret the decisions I made.
So, hopefully the stress and all the attention will die down here shortly and we can get back to normal. Because let me tell you, when you're on the phone with CBC Toronto and then the other line rings with the BC Province, you do not feel normal at all.
Get Loud (From The Silence Comes The Noise)
The concept came from the Day of Silence. Students would choose to be silent for the entire school day to draw attention to the suffering of LGBT students in our community, and then the day would end with music, so the concert. From the silence comes the noise, get it? Music brings people together. They contrast each other. We were quite proud of our cleverness.
So, remember that I said that the idea just kind of came out of nowhere and it wasn't a big deal? That's how it was at first. We held an audition, did a little bit of prep like confirming the venue (WLSS commons), nothing big. I don't think anybody was all that excited at that point, because we had a month to go and nobody really foresaw what a hit it would be at that point. I think what got us really excited was seeing the poster Riley designed for us.
After I saw the poster, it hit me, you know? It hit me that we were really going to do this, we were going to attempt to pull off the first event of it's kind in Williams Lake. We might make an actual difference. I think I can speak for everybody when I say we were getting really, really excited.
The planning process was stressful, to say the least. I didn't know what I was doing - nobody really did - so we were kind of running around like headless chickens trying to make it perfect. We wanted to make a statement and we only had one shot, so we had to make it count. Out of all the GSA members, though, I was by far the most stressed - somebody (I can't remember who but I think it was Jo) once referred to me as a "giant chaotic tornado of stress".
After a lot of maybes and cancellations, we managed to put together a show consisting of 14 performers/performing groups and then there was me with my speech. The advertising began - posters everywhere, and I mean everywhere. We printed some pretty colourful ones and then about 200 half-page black-and-white flyers that were divided up among GSA members and I'm pretty sure every single one was used.
It was on the radio, too. Still, since it was the first event of it's kind here in town and Williams Lake is a bit behind in the times, we weren't expecting that many people. Our goal was 100 - that would have been amazing, we figured. We ironed out every last little detail and were determined that things would go smoothly and according to plan - maybe that was just me. Like I said before, I didn't know what I was doing, so I just worried constantly and incessantly about everything from what the set list order would be to how many balloons we should buy.
The big day got closer, and I got more excited - and nervous - and then things sort of came crashing down. The Sunday before the concert (it was a Wednesday) I unfairly lost my job and was having some other personal issues. Jo showed up at my apartment at 10 p.m. and sat on my front step with me while I ranted and tried not to cry, then she took me for ice cream. She assured me that this was going to be huge, and I had to focus on our goal & not let all the hurt I was facing get into the way of that. I wanted this so much and I had to be strong. So, for the next three days, I immersed myself completely into the last minute preparations. I ended up getting tonsillitis, so I literally stressed myself sick.
Still though, I went to school on the Day of Silence (I was grateful that I didn't have to talk all day because my throat was killing me), downed a lot of Buckley's, and tried to relax. At 3:30 sharp I was at WLSS to start setting up. I was kind of unpleasant to deal with, I think (Riley will confirm that for you), but really it was just because I cared so much and wanted everything to go smoothly, which of course, it didn't - does anything ever go smoothly?
The biggest problem we ran into was the sound system - we thought we had somebody who could work it but it turns out he didn't have adequate permission, kind of the fault of everybody for not looking into the fine details of permission to use the WLSS sound system (we know for next time). We are forever in debt to Mr. Morton for staying way later than he had to to run the sound system for us - thank you so much, on behalf of the whole GSA.
Then there was a bit of drama with one performer in particular, who walked out of the building literally minutes before the show was supposed to start. Oh, and the CDs I burned with a couple peoples' backing music didn't work, so Jo and I had to race back to my house and put said backing music on my iPod.
Still, though, the show must go on, and it certainly did. Jeremy Nicholson opened the show, and instantly, all the stress and worries we were facing melted away. Everybody who was back stage started hugging and grinning and whispering "We did it, we did it!"
The performers were amazing - they were amazing to work with, amazing to listen to, amazing support of our cause. My nerves pretty much dissolved, that is, until it was time for me to recite my speech. Like I said before, I was sick - really sick. About 30 seconds before going on stage I was downing the Buckley's like it was lemonade on a hot summer day (don't do drugs, kids). Shaking and shaking and shaking, I stepped on stage, took the microphone with Jo, and launched right into it without even looking at the audience. My heart was pounding. I had never attempted anything like this before - I mean, I'm a shy person. I'm way better about it than I used to be but still.
So, remember that I said that the idea just kind of came out of nowhere and it wasn't a big deal? That's how it was at first. We held an audition, did a little bit of prep like confirming the venue (WLSS commons), nothing big. I don't think anybody was all that excited at that point, because we had a month to go and nobody really foresaw what a hit it would be at that point. I think what got us really excited was seeing the poster Riley designed for us.
After I saw the poster, it hit me, you know? It hit me that we were really going to do this, we were going to attempt to pull off the first event of it's kind in Williams Lake. We might make an actual difference. I think I can speak for everybody when I say we were getting really, really excited.
The planning process was stressful, to say the least. I didn't know what I was doing - nobody really did - so we were kind of running around like headless chickens trying to make it perfect. We wanted to make a statement and we only had one shot, so we had to make it count. Out of all the GSA members, though, I was by far the most stressed - somebody (I can't remember who but I think it was Jo) once referred to me as a "giant chaotic tornado of stress".
After a lot of maybes and cancellations, we managed to put together a show consisting of 14 performers/performing groups and then there was me with my speech. The advertising began - posters everywhere, and I mean everywhere. We printed some pretty colourful ones and then about 200 half-page black-and-white flyers that were divided up among GSA members and I'm pretty sure every single one was used.
It was on the radio, too. Still, since it was the first event of it's kind here in town and Williams Lake is a bit behind in the times, we weren't expecting that many people. Our goal was 100 - that would have been amazing, we figured. We ironed out every last little detail and were determined that things would go smoothly and according to plan - maybe that was just me. Like I said before, I didn't know what I was doing, so I just worried constantly and incessantly about everything from what the set list order would be to how many balloons we should buy.
The big day got closer, and I got more excited - and nervous - and then things sort of came crashing down. The Sunday before the concert (it was a Wednesday) I unfairly lost my job and was having some other personal issues. Jo showed up at my apartment at 10 p.m. and sat on my front step with me while I ranted and tried not to cry, then she took me for ice cream. She assured me that this was going to be huge, and I had to focus on our goal & not let all the hurt I was facing get into the way of that. I wanted this so much and I had to be strong. So, for the next three days, I immersed myself completely into the last minute preparations. I ended up getting tonsillitis, so I literally stressed myself sick.
Still though, I went to school on the Day of Silence (I was grateful that I didn't have to talk all day because my throat was killing me), downed a lot of Buckley's, and tried to relax. At 3:30 sharp I was at WLSS to start setting up. I was kind of unpleasant to deal with, I think (Riley will confirm that for you), but really it was just because I cared so much and wanted everything to go smoothly, which of course, it didn't - does anything ever go smoothly?
The biggest problem we ran into was the sound system - we thought we had somebody who could work it but it turns out he didn't have adequate permission, kind of the fault of everybody for not looking into the fine details of permission to use the WLSS sound system (we know for next time). We are forever in debt to Mr. Morton for staying way later than he had to to run the sound system for us - thank you so much, on behalf of the whole GSA.
Then there was a bit of drama with one performer in particular, who walked out of the building literally minutes before the show was supposed to start. Oh, and the CDs I burned with a couple peoples' backing music didn't work, so Jo and I had to race back to my house and put said backing music on my iPod.
Still, though, the show must go on, and it certainly did. Jeremy Nicholson opened the show, and instantly, all the stress and worries we were facing melted away. Everybody who was back stage started hugging and grinning and whispering "We did it, we did it!"
The performers were amazing - they were amazing to work with, amazing to listen to, amazing support of our cause. My nerves pretty much dissolved, that is, until it was time for me to recite my speech. Like I said before, I was sick - really sick. About 30 seconds before going on stage I was downing the Buckley's like it was lemonade on a hot summer day (don't do drugs, kids). Shaking and shaking and shaking, I stepped on stage, took the microphone with Jo, and launched right into it without even looking at the audience. My heart was pounding. I had never attempted anything like this before - I mean, I'm a shy person. I'm way better about it than I used to be but still.
Get Loud (From The Silence Comes The Noise) from lexiii flora saffel! on Vimeo.
All I can say is, wow. Wow, wow, wow - I mean, I got a standing ovation for that. I got tons of emails and Facebook comments and status likes and smiles and waves in the halls and people coming up to me to say thank you. I was overwhelmed with all the positive support. Truth is, I don't feel like I said what I wanted to say in the most articulate, powerful manner that I was capable of and I'd love a do-over (in a perfect world, eh?), but apparently it was enough, because I managed to open people's eyes. I managed to make people think, make people tear up, even change a couple people's perspectives. That's all that matters in the grand scheme of things.
I'm really proud of that moment, I think that was the proudest moment of my life up until this point. I'd never done anything meaningful or great until then. I was so overwhelmed with emotion by the end, when Jo and Megan and Tara came out on stage, that I didn't even realize I had gotten a standing ovation until I'd gone back stage and Megan told me. I guess coming out on stage in front of 200 people isn't something that happens every day.
Oh, I hadn't mentioned that already - we had over 200 people show up! That's double what our goal was. We got six big boxes of food for the Salvation Army in donations, and about $90 in cash donations. We did a good job of spreading the word, I guess.
Hallelujah from lexiii flora saffel! on Vimeo.
Photo collage courtesy of Laureen Carruthers, www.laureencarruthersphotography.com
There are tons more pictures on the Facebook group if you're interested.
This was the GSA's first big event, first big impact, and we're all pretty proud of it. I think I can speak for everybody when I say that. Thank you so much to everybody who was a part of it, from the other GSA members to the audience members.
The Beginning
Right, so - where did the GSA start? The origins are a bit sketchy - our sponsor teacher started a Diversity Club at the beginning of the 2009/2010 school year, apparently it consisted of mostly grade nine students. I remember signing up for it on Club Day but I never really followed up on that. From what I remember our sponsor teacher telling me, the group eventually decided to change their name to the Gay/Straight Alliance because they wanted to tackle the issue of homophobia in our school rather than all issues of discrimination, because homophobia is the big problem. As always, racism, sexism, ageism etc. are present, and the GSA does stand for complete equality regardless of age, sex, race or sexuality.
Then, after Challenge Day a girl named Autumn started the Williams Lake Gay/Straight Alliance on Facebook.
Enter myself and Riley - it was, what, January? First semester was just ending and we'd seen signs posted in the halls about the GSA, so we were interested. The first meeting was a little on the bare side. If I remember correctly, there were three students besides Riley and myself, and then the sponsor teachers. I think Jo was there, but that might have been the second or third meeting. We talked a bit about where we wanted to group to go, and decided our first task was a poster campaign.
We had one meeting where tons of kids showed up, including Autumn and some of her friends from WLSS. This was exciting, because we wanted the Williams Lake GSA to be composed of youth from all over town rather than just CSS. We all made posters that the sponsor teacher later photocopied, and we posted them all over the school. They had slogans like "Homophobia is a social disease", "Closets are for clothes!" and "Disapproving of homosexuality is like disapproving of rain." They're still around the school if you look hard enough, mostly in dark, forgotten corners of classrooms - the poor ones that we left in the hallway to fend for themselves were ripped down by certain students (you guys know who you are - thanks a lot, it took a lot of time to colour those in, you know!)
We had another heart-to-heart meeting when Phil was in town (Phil lives in Calgary, used to live here, he is pretty much awesome and one of my favourite people ever) where everybody could talk about their personal stories to do with homophobia, discrimination, coming out, etc.
Next, we realized that, since we live in a capitalist society and all, we were going to need some cash if we wanted to do much of anything. We organized a rainbow-themed bake sale that was pretty successful. Riley and I baked all of the preceding Sunday! ... well actually Riley baked and refused to let me touch any of his precious kitchen equipment or ingredients because I am prone to ruining anything edible the moment I touch it. I was lucky enough to decorate a few cookies and wrap things in plastic wrap.
See those pretty heart-shaped, rainbow cookies? They're pride cookies! I decorated them!
Straying off-topic, sorry. Anyway, lots of people who came by the bake sale table seemed sort of confused, and we were asked "What is this for?" an awful lot. When we said "The Gay/Straight Alliance", we were met with even more confusion. I think the general population of Columneetza was going "Huh?". Homophobia was an issue that had never really been addressed there before. We were starting to realize that we had a loooooooooong road ahead of us.
(Just as a side note, this one kid tried to pay with a banana - like actually seriously wanted to trade a banana for a cupcake. I still love that kid, whoever he is)
So, now we had a bit of money in our treasury, and we wanted to do something HUGE and MEANINGFUL, damnit. Our initial plan was a pride dance, but after a meeting with the student council leader, we decided it would be too expensive and there were too many security concerns. That's how the concert idea came up. I don't even remember whose idea it was, it just sort of...came up one day and we were like, "Yeah okay we could do that." We never for a minute even entertained the thought that it would be a huge success.
I'm going to do a whole separate post about Get Loud (From The Silence Comes The Noise).
So, yeah, that was the beginning of the Williams Lake Gay/Straight Alliance.
Then, after Challenge Day a girl named Autumn started the Williams Lake Gay/Straight Alliance on Facebook.
Enter myself and Riley - it was, what, January? First semester was just ending and we'd seen signs posted in the halls about the GSA, so we were interested. The first meeting was a little on the bare side. If I remember correctly, there were three students besides Riley and myself, and then the sponsor teachers. I think Jo was there, but that might have been the second or third meeting. We talked a bit about where we wanted to group to go, and decided our first task was a poster campaign.
We had one meeting where tons of kids showed up, including Autumn and some of her friends from WLSS. This was exciting, because we wanted the Williams Lake GSA to be composed of youth from all over town rather than just CSS. We all made posters that the sponsor teacher later photocopied, and we posted them all over the school. They had slogans like "Homophobia is a social disease", "Closets are for clothes!" and "Disapproving of homosexuality is like disapproving of rain." They're still around the school if you look hard enough, mostly in dark, forgotten corners of classrooms - the poor ones that we left in the hallway to fend for themselves were ripped down by certain students (you guys know who you are - thanks a lot, it took a lot of time to colour those in, you know!)
We had another heart-to-heart meeting when Phil was in town (Phil lives in Calgary, used to live here, he is pretty much awesome and one of my favourite people ever) where everybody could talk about their personal stories to do with homophobia, discrimination, coming out, etc.
Next, we realized that, since we live in a capitalist society and all, we were going to need some cash if we wanted to do much of anything. We organized a rainbow-themed bake sale that was pretty successful. Riley and I baked all of the preceding Sunday! ... well actually Riley baked and refused to let me touch any of his precious kitchen equipment or ingredients because I am prone to ruining anything edible the moment I touch it. I was lucky enough to decorate a few cookies and wrap things in plastic wrap.
See those pretty heart-shaped, rainbow cookies? They're pride cookies! I decorated them!
Straying off-topic, sorry. Anyway, lots of people who came by the bake sale table seemed sort of confused, and we were asked "What is this for?" an awful lot. When we said "The Gay/Straight Alliance", we were met with even more confusion. I think the general population of Columneetza was going "Huh?". Homophobia was an issue that had never really been addressed there before. We were starting to realize that we had a loooooooooong road ahead of us.
(Just as a side note, this one kid tried to pay with a banana - like actually seriously wanted to trade a banana for a cupcake. I still love that kid, whoever he is)
So, now we had a bit of money in our treasury, and we wanted to do something HUGE and MEANINGFUL, damnit. Our initial plan was a pride dance, but after a meeting with the student council leader, we decided it would be too expensive and there were too many security concerns. That's how the concert idea came up. I don't even remember whose idea it was, it just sort of...came up one day and we were like, "Yeah okay we could do that." We never for a minute even entertained the thought that it would be a huge success.
I'm going to do a whole separate post about Get Loud (From The Silence Comes The Noise).
So, yeah, that was the beginning of the Williams Lake Gay/Straight Alliance.
Purpose
I think I should have been blogging from the beginning. The thought crossed my mind a couple of times but I never got around to actually making one. Now, what with all that has happened, I think it's time to start. This is going to be a place to share my personal thoughts and opinions about things going on with the Williams Lake Gay/Straight Alliance. I might invite a couple of other members to join, too, and then they can offer their own thoughts and opinions. That's just it, though - this blog does not reflect the thoughts and opinions of the entire GSA.
I've realized lately that politics - especially left-wing politics - are a sensitive subject anywhere, let alone in a small town like Williams Lake. You have to be careful what you say and who you say it to. You have to respect other people and try to see things from their perspective. No matter what, though, you can't stray too far from your own beliefs and aspirations. You can be an objective voice of reason without forgetting about who you are.
I'm going to do a couple of posts about past GSA events and issues - our bake sales, Get Loud (From The Silence Comes The Noise), several problems that have been brought to our attention, and then what everybody is really interested in - Anti-Homophobia Week and the media storm that has surrounded it so far.
It's Thursday now, so the fourth day in, and the media attention is starting to die down, so why should I start talking about this all now, right? The reason I'm starting now is because even if Anti-Homophobia week, the Williams Lake GSA's struggle is just beginning. I have been slowly losing my faith in our cause all week, after every new thing that happens. I haven't really been eating or sleeping right, because I feel just sick about...everything. I just had a perfect stranger tell me I looked pale and sickly - thanks, stranger.
I don't want to lose my faith, because I'm genuinely passionate about everything we stand for. I want equality and acceptance for everybody regardless of sexuality. I think almost everybody who lives here has a love-hate relationship with the town. Lately it's been mostly hate for me, but honestly, all I have to do is walk down Third Ave to go get a cup of coffee at the Bean Counter and I remember why this place is home, why I'm strangely fond of the community and why I want to keep on fighting to open people's eyes.
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