Coming Out

I want to talk about how I came out. I originally typed "when", but it was a very long process that started when I was about 14. I'm finally at the point where I am completely and totally open about my sexuality and could care less what people think.

My earliest memory to do with anything gay is when I was about three or four. I was playing Barbies with a cousin who was a bit older than I was, maybe six or seven. Anyway, we wanted to put on a wedding, so I dressed up my two favourite (female) dolls in wedding dresses and attempted to walk them down the aisle. I did this all the time, so I was bewildered when my cousin began throwing a fit; "Girls can't get married! That doesn't happen! Only boys and girls can get married! Go get your Ken doll!" I didn't understand. I remember thinking that being married to a girl would be a lot more fun than being married to a boy, because girls are pretty and boys are hairy (oh the logic of a little girl, eh?).

I think it first occurred to me that I might actually be gay when I was 11. All of my friends had crushes on boys, but I didn't - boys were just kind of, well, gross, you know? I've always been a little bit beyond my years, so I knew that all girls went through "boys are gross" phases, but it didn't feel like a phase. I had never actually thought about a boy in a "crush" way. That's why I staged an intense crush on a boy in my class (Quentin, if you ever read this - I'm sorry!). Now, you might be thinking that because I never had crushes on boys, I had crushes on girls, but I didn't. It's not that I thought being gay was wrong, it just scared me that maybe I was gay myself, so I refused to look at anybody in "that way". I did, however, feel way more comfortable around girls, for sure.

High school started, and a lot of girls around me were starting to get boyfriends. Not many of my close friends had them, but for me, dating was a way to show to everybody that I was most definitely a boy-crazy, heterosexual teenage girl. There was one guy who I "dated" for a week when I was 13 (hardly counts) and then there was my boyfriend when I was 14 who I dated for a little over two months. We were best friends before we started dating, so going out just seemed like the right thing to do, because he had a crush on me and everybody around us just expected we'd get together sooner or later. I really loved him to death, but something in me knew that I wasn't in love with him. He actually felt more like a brother than anything and it felt weird as fuck to kiss him. I knew that the way he looked at me was not the same as the way I looked at him. I finally broke up with him because it was just getting way, way too weird.

There were a couple other "crushes" and "flings" here and there, nothing serious or really worth mentioning. Pretty much from the time I started high school, though, I was depressed. It's just in my nature to be anxious and worried all the time, but this was something new - I actually hated myself. I felt like there was something wrong with me because I just couldn't connect with guys the same way all the other girls around me seemed to. I couldn't kiss a guy without being totally grossed out. I kept expecting things to get better but they never did. That's when I started entertaining those old thoughts; maybe I'm gay. This was terrifying to me, because there had been one gay boy I was aware of at school and everybody teased him and talked shit behind his back. I didn't want to be in his shoes. I didn't want to be "that lesbian". I started to think maybe things would be okay if I came out as bisexual, because then I would at least be half normal.

My first real crush on a girl happened in English 9. Ooh boy, I was a mess. It was the first time I had ever been attracted to somebody, the first time I had ever been absolutely and totally captivated and amazed. I would get butterflies before class. I loved talking to her, I couldn't get enough of her. (Just a side note, to any girls reading this who were in my English 9 class who may be thinking "Oh God Lexi had a crush on me?!", it isn't you. The girl I'm talking about knows who she is because I told her later on). That's when I really started getting freaked out, because now I was totally certain I liked girls.

Through all these years of confusion and self-hatred, I did not speak to anybody about how I was feeling. Everyone around me could tell something wasn't right, but nobody guessed what it actually was (as far as I know). If I could go back and do things over again, I would have talked to Tara about it, because Tara has always been like a sister to me. I wish somebody would have been there for me because I was so indescribably scared.

Another internal crisis was my religious beliefs. I wasn't raised a Christian, per se, but I'd say my parents did instill typical Christian morals in me, with a bit of a Liberal spin. I knew right and wrong and how to be a good person, but I was never conservative or traditional by any stretch (I've always been a bit of a hippy to be honest). I found God on my own and went to church a bit with my step mum. I have always been pretty set in my beliefs. My mum always told me that we should love everybody regardless of their race, gender or sexuality and I firmly believed that, still do, but I was worried about what she would think if she knew her own daughter was gay, you know? And my dad always loved to make fun of "flaming homosexuals", talking about how much their "act" bothered him. That always pissed me off a lot but I never said anything. Another thing that just confirmed my fears about how both my family and fellow Christians would view me was the radio show Focus on the Family. Ah, gotta love Dr. Jame Dobson. I was never big into church, so a daily confirmation of my faith was their 10 p.m. radio show. I loved it, I loved Dr. Dobson, I loved the stories he told. But one show in particular shook my foundation entirely; there was a special guest talking about how he used to be gay but had been "cured" and now he had a wife and kids. Dr. Dobson talked about all these "treatment centres" they have in the States, all the ways God can "cure the homosexuals". I was about 12 when I listened to this broadcast, and I had never heard of such things in my life. I started wondering if all these thoughts and feelings inside of me were really truly sinful, if I was sick. If I told people, would they send me to one of these "treatment centres"? This was a fear I always had in the back of my mind. I loved God, I loved my faith, but I didn't think other Christians would love me if they knew I was gay.

I moved to Rocky Mountain House the summer I was 15. I had a couple of gay or bisexual internet friends, so I was starting to get more comfortable with my own sexuality, but not enough to come out. What actually changed everything was a bit of a combination of my friend Patrick, who was openly gay and damn proud, and the book Geography Club by Brent Hartinger. I didn't actually have any friends in RMH, so I spent all my time in the school's huge library, where the librarians knew me by name. I picked up that book one day in October and read the entire thing in one day. After I turned the last page, I just knew; I was gay, gay gay gay, so so so so so gay and why the fuck was I still denying it? Was I dumb? Maybe everybody else knew, maybe my appearance just screamed "LESBIAN!". I wasn't scared that afternoon, surprisingly; I was actually in an extremely humorous mood, because I found it so hilarious that there I was, still denying my true sexuality, when everybody else around me probably knew it already. (I am forever convinced people guess my sexuality just by looking at my shoes, because my shoes never match my outfit and there's that stereotype that lesbians don't know anything about fashion, so obviously my mismatched shoes broadcast my gayness to the entire universe).

I got home from school and immediately called Patrick. We skipped our usual smalltalk and I launched straight into it -
"Patrick, I'm bisexual."
His reaction? "Yeah. I know."
Patrick lives in Connecticut. I have never met Patrick in person, but we have been internet friends for about three and a half years. At that point it was only about one year, though, so...it was THAT obvious, even though we were a continent apart? Gaydar is an amazing thing is all I can say.

Anyway, Patrick told me to tell my parents. I didn't think my mum would have a huge issue with it, so I decided to call her first (I was living with my dad at the time, she was still in BC). The conversation was basically like this:
"I have something to tell you."
"What, do you have a boyfriendddd?"
"Uh, no..."
"A girlfriend?" she was laughing.
"...would it be so bad if I did?"
She sighed and said, "I guess not. Do you?"
"No. But I'm bi."
"Okay."
She didn't seem to care, but I'm pretty sure she thought it was just a phase.

Next, I told my best friends at the time, Tara and Cherise. They were hanging out together and on MSN, so that's how I told them. I was terrified of losing my best friends, because we'd never discussed anything about homosexuality before so I didn't know how they'd take it. They seemed fine with it. Over the years, Tara has been a source of undying support for me, but Cherise and I drifted apart and our friendship hasn't been the same since, unfortunately.

The way my dad found out was bad. My dad denies it but I have always gotten a slightly homophobic vibe from him, so I didn't say anything until almost a full month after I'd told my mum. Him, my step mum, my brother and I had gone to Calgary for supper. On the way back, as is commonplace in our family, we got into a heated argument about politics, religion, morals, etc. I'm definitely my father's daughter in the sense that he always has to be right and will fight til the bitter end in order to be right - I'm the same way, so when we argue, it never ends. I can't remember exactly how we got on the subject (obviously it was something gay), but I was finally so frustrated that I screamed "I'M BI!"
Dead. Silence. All. The. Way. Home.
After about a week of not looking at me or saying much of anything to me, he said, "So that's why you dress the way you do."
This was during my "emo" phase, since I hated myself and the world and all that. I wasn't dressing in an exactly feminine fashion, so that stung a lot; basically he was telling me I looked butch. I know my dad loves me, but I don't think he has ever come to terms with the fact that he has a gay daughter. He either avoids the topic or says rude, hurtful things about it.

I was still too freaked out to really tell anybody else - notice that I came out as bi? I'm not bi, I'm really not. The reason I told people that is because I figured they would accept me because at least I could maybe end up with a guy and be "normal". One of my last desperate attempts to be straight was the guy I had a thing with the winter I was fifteen, and that guy was such a supreme royal dick that he probably just made me even more gay (I won't go into detail but I'm sure you can detect my bitterness). After that, I knew I had to stop kidding myself and saying I was bi. I had only told my parents, my brother, a couple internet friends and then Cherise & Tara.

The summer I was sixteen is when I finally quit bothering with guys, and that's where a certain girl came into the picture. It's kind of cliche to fall in love the summer you turn sixteen, but, well, that's what happened. I'd never felt so free and real before. This felt genuine and right.

There was still a hard road ahead, though. That certain girl? We have been hiding our relationship for almost two years now, because even though I'm finally ready to be out as a couple, she isn't. You might think that by the time I was willing to accept the fact that I'm a lesbian, I would have just started telling people, right? Wrong. I moved back to Williams Lake, which is definitely not the most accepting place on the planet, and I was terrified about what people would do or say, so I told barely anybody. My close friends knew and that was it. As with anything in a small town, however, people started hearing rumours about my girlfriend and I, so I knew my time was limited. That's kind of how Dylan came in to the picture - people always want to know how Dylan fits into this. My girlfriend and I were broken up at that point, and Dylan came into my life as somebody new and exciting. He liked me and I sort of had a crush on him, my first actual crush on a guy, so I thought maybe it'd work, you know? Yeah, no, it didn't. I'm too gay (I'd just like to say though that I love Dylan to death, he is such a sweet guy and understood completely where I was coming from when I had to break up with him and we're still friends. Whoever ends up with him is a lucky girl). I ended up back with my girlfriend fairly shortly, and my last sexual identity crisis came to an end.

Basically, I came to this conclusion: I'm pretty gay but not 100% gay. There's this thing called the Kinsey Scale, and I think I'm about a 5. The theory is that people are rarely totally straight or totally gay or equally 50/50, but rather they can fall somewhere along a spectrum. I can't connect emotionally or romantically with guys, and I have never been genuinely physically attracted to a guy (naked boys are gross. Just sayin'), but who am I to say that I won't find a really great guy who can, you know, understand the female mind perfectly and isn't hairy? I can't say I'm bi though because that gives the impression that I go both ways and I soooo don't. I prefer girls in every possible way. I understand them and am attracted to them. I'm like...98% gay. I identify as a lesbian because it's easier than saying "Yeah, I'm about a 5 on the Kinsey Scale." I just, don't even bother with guys, because there's nothing real there. Everything feels real with girls, but with guys, it feels like I'm just trying to make my family happy. Does that make sense?

I went to Challenge Day in the fall and it changed my life. There's this exercise where there is a line drawn in the middle of the room and a lady was reading off statements. If what was said applied to you, you stepped across the line. "Step across the line if you or someone you know is gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered." With hesitance, I stepped across the line and immediately started crying my eyes out. We then got into little groups of five or six people, kids and adults, and went around the circle, each sharing something personal. For the first time in front of a group of strangers, I said the words "I'm gay." I knew there was no going back from that; they were strangers and they could tell anybody in the world. I was now officially out and I didn't care what people thought anymore.

Eventually, on Facebook, I changed my "Interested In" to "women". Then there was Get Loud, when I came out in front of 200 people; so, yeah, you could say I'm pretty out now. Everybody knows. Surprisingly people have been more accepting than I anticipated, and I'm not "that lesbian", I'm still Lexi. I've gained a lot of support, and for the people who say negative things either behind my back or yell it at me in the halls at school - fuck 'em, right? I am who I am and I'm damn proud. I don't care anymore what people think because I refuse to keep my life behind closed doors. If people ask, I'll be honest. I'll even flaunt it a bit with my pride bracelet.

I'm 100% out now and 100% cool with who I am. What I'm not cool with, though, is the attitude so many people both here in Williams Lake and in the rest of the world have towards LGBT people - that is something I am dedicated to changing.

Hate is easy, love takes courage; and love is nothing anybody should ever be ashamed of.