Today Jo and I were having coffee at the Bean Counter. We were sitting at one of the tables outsides, minding our own business, when a lady came up to our table and said, "Are you Jo?" Jo said yes a little bit hesitantly. I turned around to see who was speaking, and the lady must have recognized me too, because right away she said, "You guys are awesome! I think what you're doing is amazing," and other stuff like that about the GSA and our work.
It was really awesome. Little things like that make the work we are doing and the media storm drama worthwhile :)
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Things NOT to Ask a Gay Person
The video isn't graphic but maybe don't watch it if you don't like hearing words like "dick" or "penis".
I'm just going to add on a couple of questions I have been asked or things I have been told regarding me being a lesbian that are either amusing or piss me off:
1. Are you gay because you can't get a boyfriend?
No. I'm pretty confident that if I wanted a boyfriend, I could find one. I have dated guys in the past. It has nothing to do with me deciding women are more "available", especially in this town (How many out gay girls are there, really? And I think I've only met one other full lesbian). I'm just not attracted to guys, thanks.
2. So if you like girls, does that mean you want to be a boy?
No. I like being a girl, thanks, and I also like being a girl who likes girls. I have never in my life seriously thought "I wish I was a boy". There is a difference between sexuality and gender identity.
3. So you're a lesbian? I could change that.
Ahahahahaha no you can't. Don't bother.
4. You and (insert name here) should like, dyke out in front of me.
No joke, last weekend at a party, some drunk guy started hitting on me and upon learning that I'm a lesbian, requested that I "dyke out" with his "dyke friend" in front of him. I'm not gay for the entertainment of straight men, and I'm sure there are plenty of drunk straight girls who will make out in front of you because you think it's hot, kthx :)
5. How can you be gay, I remember you having boyfriends...?
It's called denial. There are plenty of gay individuals who date the opposite gender before realizing it's just not gonna work, even gay people who go on to get married and have kids before realizing it.
6. You can't know you're a lesbian for sure because you haven't experimented enough yet, you're too young.
a) How do you know I haven't experimented? Since when are the details of a person's sex life etched on our faces? It's none of your business what I have and haven't done in order to come to the obvious conclusion that I'm gay.
b) Do I have to sleep with a guy to be sure? I mean really, do you have to sleep with a member of the same sex to be sure you're straight? I don't think so.
7. So do you think I'm attractive? Do you have a crush on me?
Rule #1 that I live by: don't chase straight girls. There's a little thing called gaydar that lets me know when it is and isn't safe to crush on a girl. If you're straight then chances are I haven't looked twice at you. Also, I am not attracted to every girl on the planet, the same way you are not attracted to every guy on the planet. So please don't flatter yourself.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
The Week Comes To An End
I'll just start off by saying sorry Sam, for stealing your picture, I hope it's all good. I would have asked first but it's 12:43 a.m. so, y'know.
Well folks, that's all for now - Gender Bending Day started with our school principal going on the PA system and telling the teachers to relax on the dress code a bit for the day. Dear Media, I love you! This NEVER would have happened if Jo and Sara and I had not contacted the media and done all those interviews, raising awareness of the injustice we were handed by the school district on a national (maybe even an international) level. Once again, I do not regret any of the decisions we made because in the end they had a mostly positive impact - no students were discriminated against for crossdressing today.
And indeed, lots did dress up. I'm hoping to see more pictures posted on Facebook over the weekend. My thanks goes out to everybody who dressed up or showed support and respect to those who dressed up.
We might have lost this one to the school district, but it's only round one. Next year, we know exactly how to do things differently so that our week can go ahead as we originally intended it to. The school district also knows that certain GSA members will fight til the bitter end and are not afraid to kick up a fuss. The most important thing is we managed to start countless conversations about the issue of homophobia in our community, which is something rather new to Williams Lake. I think that is a huge victory in itself and we are definitely overshadowing the school district right now.
That being said, it's not like I hate the school district - I mean, sure, it's far from perfect and they kind of piss me off at times, but they're just trying to do their job, which is to keep parents happy. Parents have more power over schools than anybody else, because if they don't like something about a school they can just pull their kids out and take them somewhere else. If this happens enough times, that equals bad news for said school. I understand where people were coming from on the other side of the fence - I do not agree by any stretch, but I understand. Understanding of all parties' perspectives is the first step towards change.
Now it's almost 1 a.m. and I could reeeeally go for some vegan root soup from BoHo Grove. They should consider becoming a 24-hour establishment, you know. I guess I'm going to have to settle for whatever dinner leftovers are in my fridge, though...or just, you know, go to bed like normal people. Hm.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Coming Out
I want to talk about how I came out. I originally typed "when", but it was a very long process that started when I was about 14. I'm finally at the point where I am completely and totally open about my sexuality and could care less what people think.
My earliest memory to do with anything gay is when I was about three or four. I was playing Barbies with a cousin who was a bit older than I was, maybe six or seven. Anyway, we wanted to put on a wedding, so I dressed up my two favourite (female) dolls in wedding dresses and attempted to walk them down the aisle. I did this all the time, so I was bewildered when my cousin began throwing a fit; "Girls can't get married! That doesn't happen! Only boys and girls can get married! Go get your Ken doll!" I didn't understand. I remember thinking that being married to a girl would be a lot more fun than being married to a boy, because girls are pretty and boys are hairy (oh the logic of a little girl, eh?).
I think it first occurred to me that I might actually be gay when I was 11. All of my friends had crushes on boys, but I didn't - boys were just kind of, well, gross, you know? I've always been a little bit beyond my years, so I knew that all girls went through "boys are gross" phases, but it didn't feel like a phase. I had never actually thought about a boy in a "crush" way. That's why I staged an intense crush on a boy in my class (Quentin, if you ever read this - I'm sorry!). Now, you might be thinking that because I never had crushes on boys, I had crushes on girls, but I didn't. It's not that I thought being gay was wrong, it just scared me that maybe I was gay myself, so I refused to look at anybody in "that way". I did, however, feel way more comfortable around girls, for sure.
High school started, and a lot of girls around me were starting to get boyfriends. Not many of my close friends had them, but for me, dating was a way to show to everybody that I was most definitely a boy-crazy, heterosexual teenage girl. There was one guy who I "dated" for a week when I was 13 (hardly counts) and then there was my boyfriend when I was 14 who I dated for a little over two months. We were best friends before we started dating, so going out just seemed like the right thing to do, because he had a crush on me and everybody around us just expected we'd get together sooner or later. I really loved him to death, but something in me knew that I wasn't in love with him. He actually felt more like a brother than anything and it felt weird as fuck to kiss him. I knew that the way he looked at me was not the same as the way I looked at him. I finally broke up with him because it was just getting way, way too weird.
There were a couple other "crushes" and "flings" here and there, nothing serious or really worth mentioning. Pretty much from the time I started high school, though, I was depressed. It's just in my nature to be anxious and worried all the time, but this was something new - I actually hated myself. I felt like there was something wrong with me because I just couldn't connect with guys the same way all the other girls around me seemed to. I couldn't kiss a guy without being totally grossed out. I kept expecting things to get better but they never did. That's when I started entertaining those old thoughts; maybe I'm gay. This was terrifying to me, because there had been one gay boy I was aware of at school and everybody teased him and talked shit behind his back. I didn't want to be in his shoes. I didn't want to be "that lesbian". I started to think maybe things would be okay if I came out as bisexual, because then I would at least be half normal.
My first real crush on a girl happened in English 9. Ooh boy, I was a mess. It was the first time I had ever been attracted to somebody, the first time I had ever been absolutely and totally captivated and amazed. I would get butterflies before class. I loved talking to her, I couldn't get enough of her. (Just a side note, to any girls reading this who were in my English 9 class who may be thinking "Oh God Lexi had a crush on me?!", it isn't you. The girl I'm talking about knows who she is because I told her later on). That's when I really started getting freaked out, because now I was totally certain I liked girls.
Through all these years of confusion and self-hatred, I did not speak to anybody about how I was feeling. Everyone around me could tell something wasn't right, but nobody guessed what it actually was (as far as I know). If I could go back and do things over again, I would have talked to Tara about it, because Tara has always been like a sister to me. I wish somebody would have been there for me because I was so indescribably scared.
Another internal crisis was my religious beliefs. I wasn't raised a Christian, per se, but I'd say my parents did instill typical Christian morals in me, with a bit of a Liberal spin. I knew right and wrong and how to be a good person, but I was never conservative or traditional by any stretch (I've always been a bit of a hippy to be honest). I found God on my own and went to church a bit with my step mum. I have always been pretty set in my beliefs. My mum always told me that we should love everybody regardless of their race, gender or sexuality and I firmly believed that, still do, but I was worried about what she would think if she knew her own daughter was gay, you know? And my dad always loved to make fun of "flaming homosexuals", talking about how much their "act" bothered him. That always pissed me off a lot but I never said anything. Another thing that just confirmed my fears about how both my family and fellow Christians would view me was the radio show Focus on the Family. Ah, gotta love Dr. Jame Dobson. I was never big into church, so a daily confirmation of my faith was their 10 p.m. radio show. I loved it, I loved Dr. Dobson, I loved the stories he told. But one show in particular shook my foundation entirely; there was a special guest talking about how he used to be gay but had been "cured" and now he had a wife and kids. Dr. Dobson talked about all these "treatment centres" they have in the States, all the ways God can "cure the homosexuals". I was about 12 when I listened to this broadcast, and I had never heard of such things in my life. I started wondering if all these thoughts and feelings inside of me were really truly sinful, if I was sick. If I told people, would they send me to one of these "treatment centres"? This was a fear I always had in the back of my mind. I loved God, I loved my faith, but I didn't think other Christians would love me if they knew I was gay.
I moved to Rocky Mountain House the summer I was 15. I had a couple of gay or bisexual internet friends, so I was starting to get more comfortable with my own sexuality, but not enough to come out. What actually changed everything was a bit of a combination of my friend Patrick, who was openly gay and damn proud, and the book Geography Club by Brent Hartinger. I didn't actually have any friends in RMH, so I spent all my time in the school's huge library, where the librarians knew me by name. I picked up that book one day in October and read the entire thing in one day. After I turned the last page, I just knew; I was gay, gay gay gay, so so so so so gay and why the fuck was I still denying it? Was I dumb? Maybe everybody else knew, maybe my appearance just screamed "LESBIAN!". I wasn't scared that afternoon, surprisingly; I was actually in an extremely humorous mood, because I found it so hilarious that there I was, still denying my true sexuality, when everybody else around me probably knew it already. (I am forever convinced people guess my sexuality just by looking at my shoes, because my shoes never match my outfit and there's that stereotype that lesbians don't know anything about fashion, so obviously my mismatched shoes broadcast my gayness to the entire universe).
I got home from school and immediately called Patrick. We skipped our usual smalltalk and I launched straight into it -
"Patrick, I'm bisexual."
His reaction? "Yeah. I know."
Patrick lives in Connecticut. I have never met Patrick in person, but we have been internet friends for about three and a half years. At that point it was only about one year, though, so...it was THAT obvious, even though we were a continent apart? Gaydar is an amazing thing is all I can say.
Anyway, Patrick told me to tell my parents. I didn't think my mum would have a huge issue with it, so I decided to call her first (I was living with my dad at the time, she was still in BC). The conversation was basically like this:
"I have something to tell you."
"What, do you have a boyfriendddd?"
"Uh, no..."
"A girlfriend?" she was laughing.
"...would it be so bad if I did?"
She sighed and said, "I guess not. Do you?"
"No. But I'm bi."
"Okay."
She didn't seem to care, but I'm pretty sure she thought it was just a phase.
Next, I told my best friends at the time, Tara and Cherise. They were hanging out together and on MSN, so that's how I told them. I was terrified of losing my best friends, because we'd never discussed anything about homosexuality before so I didn't know how they'd take it. They seemed fine with it. Over the years, Tara has been a source of undying support for me, but Cherise and I drifted apart and our friendship hasn't been the same since, unfortunately.
The way my dad found out was bad. My dad denies it but I have always gotten a slightly homophobic vibe from him, so I didn't say anything until almost a full month after I'd told my mum. Him, my step mum, my brother and I had gone to Calgary for supper. On the way back, as is commonplace in our family, we got into a heated argument about politics, religion, morals, etc. I'm definitely my father's daughter in the sense that he always has to be right and will fight til the bitter end in order to be right - I'm the same way, so when we argue, it never ends. I can't remember exactly how we got on the subject (obviously it was something gay), but I was finally so frustrated that I screamed "I'M BI!"
Dead. Silence. All. The. Way. Home.
After about a week of not looking at me or saying much of anything to me, he said, "So that's why you dress the way you do."
This was during my "emo" phase, since I hated myself and the world and all that. I wasn't dressing in an exactly feminine fashion, so that stung a lot; basically he was telling me I looked butch. I know my dad loves me, but I don't think he has ever come to terms with the fact that he has a gay daughter. He either avoids the topic or says rude, hurtful things about it.
I was still too freaked out to really tell anybody else - notice that I came out as bi? I'm not bi, I'm really not. The reason I told people that is because I figured they would accept me because at least I could maybe end up with a guy and be "normal". One of my last desperate attempts to be straight was the guy I had a thing with the winter I was fifteen, and that guy was such a supreme royal dick that he probably just made me even more gay (I won't go into detail but I'm sure you can detect my bitterness). After that, I knew I had to stop kidding myself and saying I was bi. I had only told my parents, my brother, a couple internet friends and then Cherise & Tara.
The summer I was sixteen is when I finally quit bothering with guys, and that's where a certain girl came into the picture. It's kind of cliche to fall in love the summer you turn sixteen, but, well, that's what happened. I'd never felt so free and real before. This felt genuine and right.
There was still a hard road ahead, though. That certain girl? We have been hiding our relationship for almost two years now, because even though I'm finally ready to be out as a couple, she isn't. You might think that by the time I was willing to accept the fact that I'm a lesbian, I would have just started telling people, right? Wrong. I moved back to Williams Lake, which is definitely not the most accepting place on the planet, and I was terrified about what people would do or say, so I told barely anybody. My close friends knew and that was it. As with anything in a small town, however, people started hearing rumours about my girlfriend and I, so I knew my time was limited. That's kind of how Dylan came in to the picture - people always want to know how Dylan fits into this. My girlfriend and I were broken up at that point, and Dylan came into my life as somebody new and exciting. He liked me and I sort of had a crush on him, my first actual crush on a guy, so I thought maybe it'd work, you know? Yeah, no, it didn't. I'm too gay (I'd just like to say though that I love Dylan to death, he is such a sweet guy and understood completely where I was coming from when I had to break up with him and we're still friends. Whoever ends up with him is a lucky girl). I ended up back with my girlfriend fairly shortly, and my last sexual identity crisis came to an end.
Basically, I came to this conclusion: I'm pretty gay but not 100% gay. There's this thing called the Kinsey Scale, and I think I'm about a 5. The theory is that people are rarely totally straight or totally gay or equally 50/50, but rather they can fall somewhere along a spectrum. I can't connect emotionally or romantically with guys, and I have never been genuinely physically attracted to a guy (naked boys are gross. Just sayin'), but who am I to say that I won't find a really great guy who can, you know, understand the female mind perfectly and isn't hairy? I can't say I'm bi though because that gives the impression that I go both ways and I soooo don't. I prefer girls in every possible way. I understand them and am attracted to them. I'm like...98% gay. I identify as a lesbian because it's easier than saying "Yeah, I'm about a 5 on the Kinsey Scale." I just, don't even bother with guys, because there's nothing real there. Everything feels real with girls, but with guys, it feels like I'm just trying to make my family happy. Does that make sense?
I went to Challenge Day in the fall and it changed my life. There's this exercise where there is a line drawn in the middle of the room and a lady was reading off statements. If what was said applied to you, you stepped across the line. "Step across the line if you or someone you know is gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered." With hesitance, I stepped across the line and immediately started crying my eyes out. We then got into little groups of five or six people, kids and adults, and went around the circle, each sharing something personal. For the first time in front of a group of strangers, I said the words "I'm gay." I knew there was no going back from that; they were strangers and they could tell anybody in the world. I was now officially out and I didn't care what people thought anymore.
Eventually, on Facebook, I changed my "Interested In" to "women". Then there was Get Loud, when I came out in front of 200 people; so, yeah, you could say I'm pretty out now. Everybody knows. Surprisingly people have been more accepting than I anticipated, and I'm not "that lesbian", I'm still Lexi. I've gained a lot of support, and for the people who say negative things either behind my back or yell it at me in the halls at school - fuck 'em, right? I am who I am and I'm damn proud. I don't care anymore what people think because I refuse to keep my life behind closed doors. If people ask, I'll be honest. I'll even flaunt it a bit with my pride bracelet.
I'm 100% out now and 100% cool with who I am. What I'm not cool with, though, is the attitude so many people both here in Williams Lake and in the rest of the world have towards LGBT people - that is something I am dedicated to changing.
Hate is easy, love takes courage; and love is nothing anybody should ever be ashamed of.
My earliest memory to do with anything gay is when I was about three or four. I was playing Barbies with a cousin who was a bit older than I was, maybe six or seven. Anyway, we wanted to put on a wedding, so I dressed up my two favourite (female) dolls in wedding dresses and attempted to walk them down the aisle. I did this all the time, so I was bewildered when my cousin began throwing a fit; "Girls can't get married! That doesn't happen! Only boys and girls can get married! Go get your Ken doll!" I didn't understand. I remember thinking that being married to a girl would be a lot more fun than being married to a boy, because girls are pretty and boys are hairy (oh the logic of a little girl, eh?).
I think it first occurred to me that I might actually be gay when I was 11. All of my friends had crushes on boys, but I didn't - boys were just kind of, well, gross, you know? I've always been a little bit beyond my years, so I knew that all girls went through "boys are gross" phases, but it didn't feel like a phase. I had never actually thought about a boy in a "crush" way. That's why I staged an intense crush on a boy in my class (Quentin, if you ever read this - I'm sorry!). Now, you might be thinking that because I never had crushes on boys, I had crushes on girls, but I didn't. It's not that I thought being gay was wrong, it just scared me that maybe I was gay myself, so I refused to look at anybody in "that way". I did, however, feel way more comfortable around girls, for sure.
High school started, and a lot of girls around me were starting to get boyfriends. Not many of my close friends had them, but for me, dating was a way to show to everybody that I was most definitely a boy-crazy, heterosexual teenage girl. There was one guy who I "dated" for a week when I was 13 (hardly counts) and then there was my boyfriend when I was 14 who I dated for a little over two months. We were best friends before we started dating, so going out just seemed like the right thing to do, because he had a crush on me and everybody around us just expected we'd get together sooner or later. I really loved him to death, but something in me knew that I wasn't in love with him. He actually felt more like a brother than anything and it felt weird as fuck to kiss him. I knew that the way he looked at me was not the same as the way I looked at him. I finally broke up with him because it was just getting way, way too weird.
There were a couple other "crushes" and "flings" here and there, nothing serious or really worth mentioning. Pretty much from the time I started high school, though, I was depressed. It's just in my nature to be anxious and worried all the time, but this was something new - I actually hated myself. I felt like there was something wrong with me because I just couldn't connect with guys the same way all the other girls around me seemed to. I couldn't kiss a guy without being totally grossed out. I kept expecting things to get better but they never did. That's when I started entertaining those old thoughts; maybe I'm gay. This was terrifying to me, because there had been one gay boy I was aware of at school and everybody teased him and talked shit behind his back. I didn't want to be in his shoes. I didn't want to be "that lesbian". I started to think maybe things would be okay if I came out as bisexual, because then I would at least be half normal.
My first real crush on a girl happened in English 9. Ooh boy, I was a mess. It was the first time I had ever been attracted to somebody, the first time I had ever been absolutely and totally captivated and amazed. I would get butterflies before class. I loved talking to her, I couldn't get enough of her. (Just a side note, to any girls reading this who were in my English 9 class who may be thinking "Oh God Lexi had a crush on me?!", it isn't you. The girl I'm talking about knows who she is because I told her later on). That's when I really started getting freaked out, because now I was totally certain I liked girls.
Through all these years of confusion and self-hatred, I did not speak to anybody about how I was feeling. Everyone around me could tell something wasn't right, but nobody guessed what it actually was (as far as I know). If I could go back and do things over again, I would have talked to Tara about it, because Tara has always been like a sister to me. I wish somebody would have been there for me because I was so indescribably scared.
Another internal crisis was my religious beliefs. I wasn't raised a Christian, per se, but I'd say my parents did instill typical Christian morals in me, with a bit of a Liberal spin. I knew right and wrong and how to be a good person, but I was never conservative or traditional by any stretch (I've always been a bit of a hippy to be honest). I found God on my own and went to church a bit with my step mum. I have always been pretty set in my beliefs. My mum always told me that we should love everybody regardless of their race, gender or sexuality and I firmly believed that, still do, but I was worried about what she would think if she knew her own daughter was gay, you know? And my dad always loved to make fun of "flaming homosexuals", talking about how much their "act" bothered him. That always pissed me off a lot but I never said anything. Another thing that just confirmed my fears about how both my family and fellow Christians would view me was the radio show Focus on the Family. Ah, gotta love Dr. Jame Dobson. I was never big into church, so a daily confirmation of my faith was their 10 p.m. radio show. I loved it, I loved Dr. Dobson, I loved the stories he told. But one show in particular shook my foundation entirely; there was a special guest talking about how he used to be gay but had been "cured" and now he had a wife and kids. Dr. Dobson talked about all these "treatment centres" they have in the States, all the ways God can "cure the homosexuals". I was about 12 when I listened to this broadcast, and I had never heard of such things in my life. I started wondering if all these thoughts and feelings inside of me were really truly sinful, if I was sick. If I told people, would they send me to one of these "treatment centres"? This was a fear I always had in the back of my mind. I loved God, I loved my faith, but I didn't think other Christians would love me if they knew I was gay.
I moved to Rocky Mountain House the summer I was 15. I had a couple of gay or bisexual internet friends, so I was starting to get more comfortable with my own sexuality, but not enough to come out. What actually changed everything was a bit of a combination of my friend Patrick, who was openly gay and damn proud, and the book Geography Club by Brent Hartinger. I didn't actually have any friends in RMH, so I spent all my time in the school's huge library, where the librarians knew me by name. I picked up that book one day in October and read the entire thing in one day. After I turned the last page, I just knew; I was gay, gay gay gay, so so so so so gay and why the fuck was I still denying it? Was I dumb? Maybe everybody else knew, maybe my appearance just screamed "LESBIAN!". I wasn't scared that afternoon, surprisingly; I was actually in an extremely humorous mood, because I found it so hilarious that there I was, still denying my true sexuality, when everybody else around me probably knew it already. (I am forever convinced people guess my sexuality just by looking at my shoes, because my shoes never match my outfit and there's that stereotype that lesbians don't know anything about fashion, so obviously my mismatched shoes broadcast my gayness to the entire universe).
I got home from school and immediately called Patrick. We skipped our usual smalltalk and I launched straight into it -
"Patrick, I'm bisexual."
His reaction? "Yeah. I know."
Patrick lives in Connecticut. I have never met Patrick in person, but we have been internet friends for about three and a half years. At that point it was only about one year, though, so...it was THAT obvious, even though we were a continent apart? Gaydar is an amazing thing is all I can say.
Anyway, Patrick told me to tell my parents. I didn't think my mum would have a huge issue with it, so I decided to call her first (I was living with my dad at the time, she was still in BC). The conversation was basically like this:
"I have something to tell you."
"What, do you have a boyfriendddd?"
"Uh, no..."
"A girlfriend?" she was laughing.
"...would it be so bad if I did?"
She sighed and said, "I guess not. Do you?"
"No. But I'm bi."
"Okay."
She didn't seem to care, but I'm pretty sure she thought it was just a phase.
Next, I told my best friends at the time, Tara and Cherise. They were hanging out together and on MSN, so that's how I told them. I was terrified of losing my best friends, because we'd never discussed anything about homosexuality before so I didn't know how they'd take it. They seemed fine with it. Over the years, Tara has been a source of undying support for me, but Cherise and I drifted apart and our friendship hasn't been the same since, unfortunately.
The way my dad found out was bad. My dad denies it but I have always gotten a slightly homophobic vibe from him, so I didn't say anything until almost a full month after I'd told my mum. Him, my step mum, my brother and I had gone to Calgary for supper. On the way back, as is commonplace in our family, we got into a heated argument about politics, religion, morals, etc. I'm definitely my father's daughter in the sense that he always has to be right and will fight til the bitter end in order to be right - I'm the same way, so when we argue, it never ends. I can't remember exactly how we got on the subject (obviously it was something gay), but I was finally so frustrated that I screamed "I'M BI!"
Dead. Silence. All. The. Way. Home.
After about a week of not looking at me or saying much of anything to me, he said, "So that's why you dress the way you do."
This was during my "emo" phase, since I hated myself and the world and all that. I wasn't dressing in an exactly feminine fashion, so that stung a lot; basically he was telling me I looked butch. I know my dad loves me, but I don't think he has ever come to terms with the fact that he has a gay daughter. He either avoids the topic or says rude, hurtful things about it.
I was still too freaked out to really tell anybody else - notice that I came out as bi? I'm not bi, I'm really not. The reason I told people that is because I figured they would accept me because at least I could maybe end up with a guy and be "normal". One of my last desperate attempts to be straight was the guy I had a thing with the winter I was fifteen, and that guy was such a supreme royal dick that he probably just made me even more gay (I won't go into detail but I'm sure you can detect my bitterness). After that, I knew I had to stop kidding myself and saying I was bi. I had only told my parents, my brother, a couple internet friends and then Cherise & Tara.
The summer I was sixteen is when I finally quit bothering with guys, and that's where a certain girl came into the picture. It's kind of cliche to fall in love the summer you turn sixteen, but, well, that's what happened. I'd never felt so free and real before. This felt genuine and right.
There was still a hard road ahead, though. That certain girl? We have been hiding our relationship for almost two years now, because even though I'm finally ready to be out as a couple, she isn't. You might think that by the time I was willing to accept the fact that I'm a lesbian, I would have just started telling people, right? Wrong. I moved back to Williams Lake, which is definitely not the most accepting place on the planet, and I was terrified about what people would do or say, so I told barely anybody. My close friends knew and that was it. As with anything in a small town, however, people started hearing rumours about my girlfriend and I, so I knew my time was limited. That's kind of how Dylan came in to the picture - people always want to know how Dylan fits into this. My girlfriend and I were broken up at that point, and Dylan came into my life as somebody new and exciting. He liked me and I sort of had a crush on him, my first actual crush on a guy, so I thought maybe it'd work, you know? Yeah, no, it didn't. I'm too gay (I'd just like to say though that I love Dylan to death, he is such a sweet guy and understood completely where I was coming from when I had to break up with him and we're still friends. Whoever ends up with him is a lucky girl). I ended up back with my girlfriend fairly shortly, and my last sexual identity crisis came to an end.
Basically, I came to this conclusion: I'm pretty gay but not 100% gay. There's this thing called the Kinsey Scale, and I think I'm about a 5. The theory is that people are rarely totally straight or totally gay or equally 50/50, but rather they can fall somewhere along a spectrum. I can't connect emotionally or romantically with guys, and I have never been genuinely physically attracted to a guy (naked boys are gross. Just sayin'), but who am I to say that I won't find a really great guy who can, you know, understand the female mind perfectly and isn't hairy? I can't say I'm bi though because that gives the impression that I go both ways and I soooo don't. I prefer girls in every possible way. I understand them and am attracted to them. I'm like...98% gay. I identify as a lesbian because it's easier than saying "Yeah, I'm about a 5 on the Kinsey Scale." I just, don't even bother with guys, because there's nothing real there. Everything feels real with girls, but with guys, it feels like I'm just trying to make my family happy. Does that make sense?
I went to Challenge Day in the fall and it changed my life. There's this exercise where there is a line drawn in the middle of the room and a lady was reading off statements. If what was said applied to you, you stepped across the line. "Step across the line if you or someone you know is gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered." With hesitance, I stepped across the line and immediately started crying my eyes out. We then got into little groups of five or six people, kids and adults, and went around the circle, each sharing something personal. For the first time in front of a group of strangers, I said the words "I'm gay." I knew there was no going back from that; they were strangers and they could tell anybody in the world. I was now officially out and I didn't care what people thought anymore.
Eventually, on Facebook, I changed my "Interested In" to "women". Then there was Get Loud, when I came out in front of 200 people; so, yeah, you could say I'm pretty out now. Everybody knows. Surprisingly people have been more accepting than I anticipated, and I'm not "that lesbian", I'm still Lexi. I've gained a lot of support, and for the people who say negative things either behind my back or yell it at me in the halls at school - fuck 'em, right? I am who I am and I'm damn proud. I don't care anymore what people think because I refuse to keep my life behind closed doors. If people ask, I'll be honest. I'll even flaunt it a bit with my pride bracelet.
I'm 100% out now and 100% cool with who I am. What I'm not cool with, though, is the attitude so many people both here in Williams Lake and in the rest of the world have towards LGBT people - that is something I am dedicated to changing.
Hate is easy, love takes courage; and love is nothing anybody should ever be ashamed of.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Love Is Going To Save Us
I wanted to reminisce in Get Loud!. And talk about what my English class thinks about all of this cafuffle with the past week.
Get Loud...I remember being nervous. I don't do public speaking, I really don't. I get nervous, and scared, but the group told me I was voluntold to do it, so I had no choice. I did it. And I guess I did it well. I remember stepping up on that stage to do introductions, the very first person to speak into that microphone because I was EmCee. I had to introduce myself and say who I was and what Get Loud! was about. And I did. I was scared. I was shaking, but I wasn't terrified. I wasn't quivering like I am known to do when giving speeches. After a point, somewhere in my beginning speech (I think around 'let me put emphasis on straight'), I got more relaxed and controlled.
I think I became a natural at it. It was easy, again, after a point. I remember rushing around back stage at some points, because I couldn't find the list for the thank yous. I remember Jeremiah coming and asking what I was looking for, and just his presence kind of calmed me down, like I wasn't about to do it alone.
I remember, out of the whole night, three of the performers the best. Of course, I remember the whole night like it was yesterday, but three stood out to me.
Nathan friggin' Mortimer. He was one of my favorite acts, and I remember stepping out onto that stage and introducing him and taking the mic from him and thanking him and getting hugs from him, and how nice his presence was that whole night. How calming it was, really. Like his whole energy told me it would be okay. I know I seemed pretty calm and collected, but on the inside I wasn't. I was just as nervous as any of the GSA, I think. But Nathan helped that. Especially when he played.
I remember Lexi's speech, sitting there and then seeing tears, and how I knew I had to get up and go to her and help her because she was crying. And I couldn't let her cry in front of 200 strangers, all alone. I myself knew how horrible it would be to be in her spot, so I went up there and I waved Megan and Tara out and we stood there, supporting. And calming down the crowd, after the applause. It was beautiful. Really.
And then Katrina's song. Oh my gosh. I have never ever heard a rendition of Hallelujah that I had loved so much. I remember standing back stage gasping because her voice was so beautiful.
Now the week. This Anti-Homophobia week drama that has been going on. I can't believe how far we've gone, I can't. I've noticed such a difference in the school atmosphere now. So many people are a lot more supportive, vocally and just with smiles and 'you did well'. It's nice, knowing that we have a lot more people behind us, and parents, and people all over the country standing behind us covering our backs.
Of course, there had to be a stop put to the media. Even if part of me didn't want too because it was nice, at the same time, I knew it had to end. I did just as much as students, staff, parents and our group. Even if my fight with Lexi wasn't the greatest, I think it was worth it. Someone had to say something, and I knew it should be me. I had contacted Global and CBC(not expecting BOTH to follow up, of course).
So now, here we are. The night before Gender Bender Day(I love that poster so much). And we're ready to see what happens tomorrow.
Through the week, I've been ranting to Mrs. Force about the school board and our administration. Rick has tried to calm me when I go on a tangent, and slowly, I calm down right before I get to the peak of my frustration. The more I talk about it, the angrier I get all over again. I still can't believe that our admin said 'yeah, you can be late for class, you're supporting students'. even though there was 20 minutes left of that game. I think that is unfair. Cold. Horrible. I could continue on, but I'm getting angry again.
Now I'm getting sick. I'm prepared to fight the little virus in my body just as I was to fight the school board and admin. I think I should take up bare knuckle boxing, or getting a punching bag. The guys in my English class, as the GSA, think I need a punching bag. I'm so angry. But I can be so calm and collected all at the same time. Oh well.
Get Loud...I remember being nervous. I don't do public speaking, I really don't. I get nervous, and scared, but the group told me I was voluntold to do it, so I had no choice. I did it. And I guess I did it well. I remember stepping up on that stage to do introductions, the very first person to speak into that microphone because I was EmCee. I had to introduce myself and say who I was and what Get Loud! was about. And I did. I was scared. I was shaking, but I wasn't terrified. I wasn't quivering like I am known to do when giving speeches. After a point, somewhere in my beginning speech (I think around 'let me put emphasis on straight'), I got more relaxed and controlled.
I think I became a natural at it. It was easy, again, after a point. I remember rushing around back stage at some points, because I couldn't find the list for the thank yous. I remember Jeremiah coming and asking what I was looking for, and just his presence kind of calmed me down, like I wasn't about to do it alone.
I remember, out of the whole night, three of the performers the best. Of course, I remember the whole night like it was yesterday, but three stood out to me.
Nathan friggin' Mortimer. He was one of my favorite acts, and I remember stepping out onto that stage and introducing him and taking the mic from him and thanking him and getting hugs from him, and how nice his presence was that whole night. How calming it was, really. Like his whole energy told me it would be okay. I know I seemed pretty calm and collected, but on the inside I wasn't. I was just as nervous as any of the GSA, I think. But Nathan helped that. Especially when he played.
I remember Lexi's speech, sitting there and then seeing tears, and how I knew I had to get up and go to her and help her because she was crying. And I couldn't let her cry in front of 200 strangers, all alone. I myself knew how horrible it would be to be in her spot, so I went up there and I waved Megan and Tara out and we stood there, supporting. And calming down the crowd, after the applause. It was beautiful. Really.
And then Katrina's song. Oh my gosh. I have never ever heard a rendition of Hallelujah that I had loved so much. I remember standing back stage gasping because her voice was so beautiful.
Now the week. This Anti-Homophobia week drama that has been going on. I can't believe how far we've gone, I can't. I've noticed such a difference in the school atmosphere now. So many people are a lot more supportive, vocally and just with smiles and 'you did well'. It's nice, knowing that we have a lot more people behind us, and parents, and people all over the country standing behind us covering our backs.
Of course, there had to be a stop put to the media. Even if part of me didn't want too because it was nice, at the same time, I knew it had to end. I did just as much as students, staff, parents and our group. Even if my fight with Lexi wasn't the greatest, I think it was worth it. Someone had to say something, and I knew it should be me. I had contacted Global and CBC(not expecting BOTH to follow up, of course).
So now, here we are. The night before Gender Bender Day(I love that poster so much). And we're ready to see what happens tomorrow.
Through the week, I've been ranting to Mrs. Force about the school board and our administration. Rick has tried to calm me when I go on a tangent, and slowly, I calm down right before I get to the peak of my frustration. The more I talk about it, the angrier I get all over again. I still can't believe that our admin said 'yeah, you can be late for class, you're supporting students'. even though there was 20 minutes left of that game. I think that is unfair. Cold. Horrible. I could continue on, but I'm getting angry again.
Now I'm getting sick. I'm prepared to fight the little virus in my body just as I was to fight the school board and admin. I think I should take up bare knuckle boxing, or getting a punching bag. The guys in my English class, as the GSA, think I need a punching bag. I'm so angry. But I can be so calm and collected all at the same time. Oh well.
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